so for the last several days my timing on sleep has been off. i've been letting myself sleep in for the most part because i've been somewhat teetering on the edge of a cold, and recognizing that early, been sleeping as much as possible. so with that, and the strangeness of a four-day weekend, i don't seem to know what day or time it is these days. but, that's ok, as long as i manage to win against the possibility of a cold setting in. i think the cold is partly due to the fact that it's been so freaking cold here in sf lately, especially at night. but there ya go

fyi, i've been toying with the idea of writing a hardrock ballad/pop single with the title 'teetering on the edge of love' based upon my earlier comments. i'd say it's a number one hit!

It's time for the federal government to stay out of patients' lives.

10 really great questions about our current election system. check 'em out. (i've copied the majority of the article below):
"Commentators are talking about red states, blue states, morality voters and other issues when the main topic we should be discussing is how badly the campaign process functioned and how hard we should be working to bring our 18th-century democracy into the 21st century.

1. What would you say if your bank manager told you that you really didn’t need a receipt for your bank transactions and that you should trust him to make sure that your accounts were in order? Congressional Republicans left Americans with no way to conduct recounts in their districts. Electronic voting leaves no record for verification. Reports of machine malfunctions and seriously inaccurate vote tabulations are coming to light and should be pursued vigorously, but the bigger non-partisan issue is this: Why are we allowing corporate voting-machine companies to privately own the tools of democracy? Why are companies such as Diebold, owned by mega-fundraisers for the GOP, allowed to keep the codes and procedures for vote tabulations secret even from those jurisdictions that purchase their machines? And why can’t they provide paper trails when they do so for millions of bank transactions every year?

2. Why do we allow any group of voters to be intimidated? Where is the non-partisan outrage now that the partisan fury has subsided? Can we get rid of archaic state laws used to challenge voters, and can we establish a constitutional right to vote — something not presently embodied in our nation’s founding document?

3. Why do we allow states to be categorized as blue or red when up to 49 percent of the voters in some of those states do not follow the victorious party? Isn’t it time we had some form of proportional representation so that everyone’s viewpoint gets acknowledged?

4. Why do we have only two viable parties in this country? Both presidential candidates supported the war and did not support universal, single-payer health insurance. There are pro-gun, anti-tax Democrats and pro-abortion gay Republicans out there, but the lack of a multiparty system turns us into two-dimensional people. With instant-runoff voting, reduced barriers for third parties and public financing of elections, we each can feel completely supportive of candidates and parties instead of feeling as if we are voting for the lesser of two evils.

5. Why do we accept as a given that candidates must raise millions and take months off from their jobs to run for office? Is that why we have so few schoolteachers, nurses and other process-oriented professionals in our legislatures and state houses? Is this good for the quality of public discourse or the representativeness of our elected officials?

6. Why are television and radio stations allowed to make mega-profits from campaigns? We the people own the airwaves — they rent them from us. We should demand that every candidate gets some amount of free airtime and every race has at least one public debate aired in its entirety.

7. Why are over 95 percent of our members of Congress re-elected every two years, most with no real opposition? And why were so many incumbents at every level allowed to go through the electoral cycle with no debates with their challengers?

8. Why do we cling to the 18th-century relic known as the Electoral College instead of moving toward the direct election of our officials — as most other democracies in the world do? Is it fair that the concerns of only the third of us who live in the so-called swing states were considered important?

9. Why do simplistic notions like “morality voters” go unchallenged? Every individual has a personal set of morals even if some are considered immoral to others. Is killing a fetus worse than killing Iraqi civilians in what some consider an unnecessary and unjust war?

10. Speaking of morality, where is the moral outrage against the leaders of churches who advocated the victory or defeat of candidates from their pulpits? These religious leaders threaten the tax-exempt status of all of our houses of worship and their congregations with massive fines resulting from violations of federal or state election laws.

Given these and other questions, democracy-loving Americans of every political persuasion should be demanding that Congress and our state legislatures get to work immediately to make fundamental changes in the way we vote."

times i wished i lived in new york

ok, so everybody knows i hate new york. i've just never connected with the city. i could never relax there. everything was so busy and intense and overwhelming. but, well, those are just my impressions from visiting there.

but then yesterday, for the holiday, i watched the six-hour documentary on pbs, Broadway, the American Musical, which told the story of the broadway musicals from the very beginning of the 20th century until today. fascinating history. and i realized the good that i was missing from new york. i kept thinking how wonderful it would be to be amongst all the creativity and renewal and playful intelligence. and i wished that i had the ability to go to all the different musicals and plays just to consistently renew my heart and mind and soul. movies and television just aren't the same. i want to be among the creative, heartful, loving, and artistic geniuses of the theater.

but i'm not one to live in new york. san francisco suits me much better. but then, maybe i'll visit there more often. and i'm sure visiting Sparky would give me the key to unlocking the City's beauty as well.

i'm so sick and tired of people saying that kerry lost because of me and my people! it's just stupid and depressing and it hurts because of what i and so many others of my community did to support him and to oust bush. plus it's not even true! check out these articles for more info and then go tell the media pundits to get a reality check!
To say that the anti-family amendments on the ballots in 11 states cost Senator Kerry the election is simplistic and not warranted by the exit poll data. The anti-gay/anti-family amendments— which will strip health coverage from thousands of American families, gay and straight, many with children—was a factor in the outcome in Ohio, but not in Oregon, Michigan or the other eight states. Even in Ohio, it was only one of many factors in a close election.

least favorite thing to do, #5: figuring out money
least favorite thing to do, #4: filling out any kind of beaucratic work form
least favorite thing to do, #3: computer-related, technology-related configurations that i simply don't comprehend
least favorite thing to do, #2: doing tax forms
all time least favorite thing to do, #1: booking flights

now you know why i never go anywhere. figuring out flight travel is the worst

David writes a warm post about me and the post-election world. I must say that going to visit him the day after was also a blessing for me. I needed to get away from everything. We couldn't have planned a visit for better timing had we even known what was to happen with the election.

Upon seeing each other and driving the hour or so to his home, we briefly discussed our dismay and election results and such things. And then quickly decided that it was best to not talk about such things for now and focus on our lives, our friendship, fun things in life, and having a good visit. He appropriately threw a party at his house, which in the short time I've known David is one thing he does constantly, and consistently well. His friends in his hometown seem to be drawn to his home for fun and drinks and merriment and a family of liberals in the middle of nowhere. In fact, they let themselves in via his open door. And they just show up.

We took our motto of not discussing the election into the party atmosphere and everyone agreed it was best. Once in a while someone would start to scream about the election and go off and happily, via our agreement for the night, we would end such common screams so that we could focus on the positives of being together. His friends talked and talked about their lives-- lives that we do have regardless of an election. I got to know them. They got to know me. And we watched that great escapist movie "Muriel's Wedding" while we played. Which when you think about it, was the perfect symbol. In it, Muriel spends her whole life dreaming of a day when things are better because of one day-- her wedding. She changes her whole self, even her name, and becomes a new person that she thinks would be worthy of marriage. Finally, she does get married, even though it's a sham wedding and she knows it. Eventually she realizes that it's not about the day or the event itself, but about who she is inside and that life goes on beyond the day of supposed infamy. She then goes back to being her true self and recognizing that her life is wide open to possibilities as herself, living in the post-day-of-infamy world that she couldn't see before. (Somehow I've just made the movie into the perfect symbol for how many of us felt about the election. It's not the perfect symbol, but it has a good beat and I can dance to it.)

Anyway, it was a needed getaway being with David and his friends (who I didn't know but of which we all had so much in common, especially on that post-election day). And it helped me to strengthen myself to live, to live my full life, even in the midst of a dream not being fulfilled, and in that post-day-of-infamy that couldn't be fathomed before. We're all stronger than one day and one outcome. We carry on because we are strong. And time keeps moving forward. Whatever happens in life, the key is to make the most of it, to smell the flowers, to enjoy your loved ones, to recognize the endless possibilities before you, and to continue on. This holiday season, do that. Even if we still feel remorse about the past, there is still much to enjoy, and there are many around us to do that with. And remember that we are stronger than a day, a moment, an administration, an outcome; we are stronger than even we may realize. In the immortal words of Muriel: "keep on keepin' on" (ok, actually she didn't say that, but I did.)

so jessie was kind enough to take a whole slew of new headshots for me since i am no longer wearing glasses and all my pics from him have my glasses in them. anyway, i thought i'd share a few:

try reading this interview with Mayor Gavin Newsom and not falling in love. the guy says exactly what's right, without flinching or worrying about how it might poll or look, and with convinction and heart. and he's so perfect on the issue of marriage, so perfect. he's the kind of politician we need to grow and flourish in the party. here's a brief excerpt, but do read the whole interview:

M&R: What about the blowback on gay marriage -- that you cost the Democrats the election? In hindsight, would you have done it differently?
Newsom: Nope. I stand by that 1,000 percent -- in fact, I've never felt more resolved.
M&R: What about the criticism from fellow Democrats?
Newsom: Irrelevant.
M&R: Why?
Newsom: Remember what Martin Luther King Jr. said in his Birmingham jail cell -- everyone says wait, and he said, "Wait almost always means never." And you know what? He was right. "Too much, too soon?" No -- it was too little, too slow.
M&R: What if this has burned your chances of going any further?
Newsom: Big deal. I mean, that assumes that my life is defined by some title. It's defined by something much more substantive -- it's defined by my ability to feel that I've done my best and added some value.

keep on keepin' on mr. mayor

so while i was back home in missouri, i got the chance to see my father's side of the family. this is an incredibly rare event anymore, at least for me, because they rarely get together and when they do i'm usually not in town. but it just so happened that my grandmother, my father's mother, turned 97 while i was back home and the family through a birthday party for her. here she is in the middle with her 6 kids (my father's the one with the beard):
(yeah, i know Aunt Althea's eyes are closed and Aunt Twila's eyes are looking a little shifty, but it's a pretty good pic of the group and it's the only one i have for here)
anyway, here i am in the midst of the various grandchildren:
it's hard to tell if i fit in at all or seemingly too well. regardless, it was great to see this side of my family and extended members of it that i haven't seen in many, many, many years.

you know what i'm doing right now? i'm happily eating homemade banana nut bread from my grandma. before leaving missouri, she gave me a whole loaf of her banana nut bread frozen for the trip home. and all i have to do is heat it up and smile. it's so good! you're jealous right now, aren't you?

Catching up on thoughts from my daily calendar, "Moving Forward, Keeping Still: The Gateway to Eastern Wisdom", here are a few that I really liked:

Having failed to distinguish thoughts from things, we then fail to distinguish words from thoughts. We think that if we can label a thing we have understood it.

If you do not get it from yourself, where will you go for it?

We work to become, not to acquire.

To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the highest skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the highest skill.

That last one makes me think of how we mustn't allow the election results stop us from fighting for our rights and longing for our dreams. We mustn't forfeit our lives.

It's just interesting that the first order of business following the election, on the part of the Republican majority, is to lower their ethical standards for their leaders in the Congress by saying that if indicted, you can serve

i hate that i'm an idiot when it comes to computers. it's like my brain just dissolves when i'm around technology and i no longer can function. it's so insipid.

for the last two days i have not been able to connect to the internet. i called dsl support and there was a 'status update' that told me that there was a problem in the san jose area and that it should be resolved in a few hours, and then another status update with a few more hours, and on and on for the last two days. well, i decided to actually talk to an operator this time rather than just get the status update, because i kept thinking i'm not really in san jose (although close) and maybe i can get a sense of better timing for when it would finally be up.

needless to say, if you know me, turns out that i wasn't affected by the connection problems in san jose at all. it was me and my computer alone that had somehow become disabled from my modem. and the worst part is, jessie had been telling me to disconnect my modem and restart. and i thought i had. except that what i'd been disconnecting wasn't my modem, but the other black box i have with the computer, because i had forgotten i had hid the modem behind some materials, and because, most importantly, i'm an idiot. i really hate how stupid i am around technology.

being back home and thinking over the last month, everything seems to have been a whirlwind of life activities and i have much to consider and share. looking back it all seems like a blur, and as if i've now been set to start again here at home. i haven't fully formed these ideas yet, but trust that i have a confluence of thoughts to share on these concepts soon...

a funny thing happened upon returning home. after having a brief lunch with dear jessie, i then fell asleep for pretty much the last 15 hours. time flies when you're catching up

I'M HOME!!!!

I'm at the airport with my cat waiting for the flights to take me home to san francisco. You know, as much as I hate flying and always get incredibly nervous and worried (thank you anxiety and ocd), amazingly I'm rather calm having my cat with me. I think having her with me (and her being even more anxious and worried and way more cooped up than me, which is always my biggest issue anyway because I always feel claustrophobic) helps calm me a lot. I think it also helps me to travel with another in general, but I'm almost always flying by myself so I get more and more isolated and nervous. I'm glad she's here with me.

having read what I just wrote makes me sound like I need mental help-- yeah, ok, I already knew that. :-)

back home in independence today. and then tomorrow, finally, back home in san francisco! there's so much to do today before i leave missouri after nearly a month. thanks again to everyone who helped me do this swing to missouri.

being away from home i actually get so much more done than my normal daily life

i mean, i'm behind in my daily activities and i'm behind in work and other rituals of my life, but i'm caught up on other things i always put aside til 'later'

i'm nearing completion of my christmas cards (which i never do, or when i do they become martin luther king, jr. day cards) and i've also gotten so much reading done lately. on the train trip this week i actually finished a book i had only started briefly before. it was a wonderful examination of how republicans have been able to capture so many lower-income voters (even though it's bad for them economically and they are the party of the rich) through marketing themselves via 'moral issues' or abortion issues. all the meanwhile they're screwing themselves into further poverty and financial/societal/global breakdowns. the other great part of reading this book, "What's the Matter with Kansas?" is that so much of it was written about the time when I was working in my hometown of Kansas City and on Kansas political and legislative matters in the very early '90's. so i was personally remembering people and names and events, rather than trying to get them from the abstract. it was a fascinating read.

now, i'm reading another great book, "Why Marriage Matters: America, Equality, and Gay People's Right to Marry", which I picked up before coming to this conference, but which I was also able to attend a workshop by the author and discuss the issues related therein. Additionally, as he sat next to me while we attended another workshop, he kindly autographed my copy of the book. He's an important hero to the movement, especially via his work back in the early 90's in starting the marriage work in Hawaii, when no one else thought it was even possible to discuss. And, regardless of the recent electoral losses, we have come so far (remember when no one had ever heard of 'civil unions' and were opposed to even that idea just a few years ago?) and we have so much further to go. i feel a part of the surge of the movement once again. and i'm getting things done. now to get back home to sf , begin again, and keep on keepin' on...

i got the chance to visit with Jeff this week while visiting his home of St. Louis. it's good to get to know people better. we obviously have so much in common and he's so much more three dimensional in person other than by phone or email.
last week, i also was able to visit with david too. i love having friends all around the country. i just wish i had the opportunity to see them more often.

on a separate note, i love the way you can meet so many new and exciting people from throughout the country at a national conference. suddenly you have friends and acquaintances all over. and we all are able to put aside petty communication fears or shyness or worries, and just bond on the commonalities of our lives.

i wish life itself could be more so communal.

so the last couple of days i've been in st. louis. directly across the street from the arch. which is pretty wild because i realized that i've never seen the arch, other than speeding down the highway through st. louis. and that was only once or twice. but i've never actually seen it up close and for an extended period of time. i'm across the street because my hotel is on the riverfront.

i'm spending the week at the national gay and lesbian task force's annual creating change conference. i came to a few of these conferences back in the late 90's via work-related endeavors, but this time i came on my own. it's pretty cool being here not for work but for me. although, granted, it is a bit work-related as my boss, our state assemblyman, is putting forward a same-sex marriage bill in california next month and we are discussing much about the issue and what happened with the elections and what is happening next in the movement here at the conference. plus i'm meeting a number of my peers and discussing possible future work activities with their groups or activities. so there's always possibilities in the future.

i am missing home though. and by 'home' this time i mean san francisco. it's been great being with my family and enjoying missouri for a time, but i'm missing my life in san francisco a lot these days. and, well, lets see, it's been three weeks since i left, so that makes sense. tuesday, i finally return to san francisco after a few more days of this conference and a final day with my family back home. and then i'll be happy to be able to live my regular boring life again. and maybe i'll find a job...

since i traveled to st. louis via train yesterday, i offer another one of my ongoing posts on the wonders of trains (written while riding)....

planes fly over america and have fake communities far away from the real cities and towns. buses and cars travel along the highways and biways often keeing it all insular as well, away from people and life. but trains, trains take us through the best of america, as well as the less glamorous realities of our country. stunning views of the heartland or mountains or oceanic outlooks are couples with backyard moments of american homes, industrial trappings, and small town or big town life in all its unvarnished glory.

today i see farms and cattle and beautiful fields and riverbeds, as well as the reality of industrial pollution, dumpings, and littered landscapes. I happened to see a recliner sitting within a creek that someone must have dumped there with little care. and yet i also see the beauty in this sight because it is real, not the fakery of a cleaned-up, polished atmosphere of a chamber of commerce sponsored tourist activity, or a federal highway separating us from the world in order to get us through it quickly, or an airport full of processed foods, chain stores, and hurried travelers announcing they're visiting a city in which they are not really visiting all the while purchasing souvenirs in the airport shops to prove it.

trains show the full picture, and they warm my heart and expand my mind.

well, it's been a week and i've been doing great because i haven't been reading the news at all. ignorance is rather blissful right now with the beginning of four new years of hell. regardless, i don't want to negate all the great work that people did around the country to try to oust that man and create a positive world again. and i definitely don't want to discount the great work done here in missouri at my little suburban democratic headquarters on old independence square, across the street from the statue of president truman. great work was done by so many wonderful and caring volunteers who gave their time and hearts and life to a joint cause. i'll have much more to say about this soon, but in the meantime i'll leave you with some pictures below of our office and the great people involved:

and these were from throughout election day itself, beginning with a very energetic morning crew at 5:30am:
many of these people worked all day on election day nonstop, and many also worked consistently day after day, hour after hour, at this little office, or out and about, for days, weeks, months, and years for our common goal for a better country. and did i mention everyone was volunteering! great people. great time. great work.

I think I've lost weight. Normally when I visit my family, the opposite occurs because I'm an eating machine within access my Mom's and Grandma's kitchens. But a strange thing has happened during this trip. A few days into my trip I started having a terrible upset stomach constantly and I just couldn't eat anything and keep it down. We think we traced the problem to a bad water filter and I've been feeling a little better since we fixed that. But I still haven't been able to eat much for over the last week and so most of my meals have consisted of various flavors of jello or crackers or pretzals and such. And that's it. And I think I've lost weight because I feel lighter and my pants keep falling down.

On an opposing note, my cat has gained weight. I think she eats when she's nervous and is also afraid her food will be taken away. She did this when I first got her two years ago and she ballooned. Eventually she trusted that there would always be food. But being a new location has started her eating constantly and she's definitely heavier.

So there you have it. A fatter Amaya and a thinner Reese and we still have another week and a half til I'm back home in SF.

p.s. This post was written on my phone so forgive any spelling issues.

W. doesn't see division as a danger. He sees it as a wingman. [W.] got re-elected by dividing the country along fault lines of fear, intolerance, ignorance and religious rule. He doesn't want to heal rifts; he wants to bring any riffraff who disagree to heel.

years ago when my ex deserted me i felt like i was living in some kind of bad dream. i had this terrible emptiness in my stomach. my stomach physically hurt from the emotional pain. i couldn't eat. i cried regularly every day for months. it all seemed too surreal, as if i had awoken in some kind of alternate reality-- like superman's bizarro world-- where everything was opposite to the way it was supposed to be. i wanted to go back to sleep and wake up in my reality of what i wanted to be. physically and emotionally i was a wreck and i refused to give in to the horrible reality of what was happening.

at the time, jewel's song 'you were meant for me' was very popular and i would play that song over and over and over, because i too believed that he would return any day now. i fully believed that at any moment he would call or write or email or walk back into my life with an appropriate apology, a hug, a kiss, a change of heart. i waited and cried and hoped and lived in denial and cried again about this horrible reality that wasn't of my making. it just couldn't be real.

eventually, over a great amount of time, and many friends' ears being red from hearing about my drama, and a change in my own direction, and a recognition of the reality that was, i pulled myself together. i learned a new life that i never dreamed before. and it was frankly a better life than i could have imagined. i created my own reality even while living within a bizarro world that i couldn't have earlier imagined. there were times i still longed for that dream i once had, but i came to know that these weren't a real longing for a return to the relationship, but more of a longing for the simple dreams i used to believe in. i eventually recognized all of this and became happier and stronger and better than i thought possible.

i remember telling myself during the roughest times early on, 'eventually, i'll get through this and i'll get to be strong and happy again.' that was hard to say and hear because it meant that i had to let go of my original dreams, the ones that seemed so right and beautiful, and create new dreams and hopes within my new reality. i eventually learned that it was a moment of great opportunity, in that i was able to start a clean slate and do with my life what i wanted for me instead of worrying about him all the time.

it was as if i was in art class or cooking class. and my teacher came to me and said that my piece wasn't working and i needed to start over. but i was attached to my work and i didn't want to let it go; i just wanted to try to reshape it. but my teacher took it away and gave me a new set of boundaries within to create. i initially would reject the boundaries and i would long for my original piece. but eventually i would begin to recognize how exciting it would be to create something brand new that i would never have imagined within the old boundaries. and i would thrive anew with an amazing piece that wasn't available to me before. i feel like that's how my life became after i learned to deal with the new reality of my abandoning ex. i eventually realized that i had to create my own new piece of artwork out of my life; and i did. and i'm stronger and happier and more fully realized that i ever was in the old reality. i just couldn't see it or forsee it at the time. it hurt and i hated it and i was just plain sad. but i kept my faith and kept on keepin' on. and here i am as my newly created and fulfilled me.

tuesday night, i had that terrible pit in my stomach again. i realized that i hadn't felt that horrible stomach ache since my breakup. i again refused to believe this horrible new reality, especially since i had been so invested in my hopes and dreams for my country. it was so hard to take and i wanted to go to sleep and wake up outside of bizarro world into the world i wanted. ironically, i also heard jewel's song on the radio yesterday and it again hearkened me to the time of my breakup. and as the song refers to 'dreams last so long, even after they're gone,' and waiting for that old reality to come back and make us happy again, i recognized that this again was a new beginning that i didn't see coming. it was a horrible, depressing, heart-breaking end to a reality i had hoped and dreamed of, but it was a new beginning within new constraints and i could create my own new piece of artwork that i never imagined before. i didn't want this new reality. but maybe, later, i'll realize that this was the best direction for life to go because my new art and my new life and eventually my newly realized country down the line would be better and stronger for this setback.

i don't know the answers or the reasons why the election went so horribly wrong. i don't know why my ex left me. i don't know why most things happen. but one thing i learned from the horrible time of my breakup years ago, is that life goes on and we can create life as we hope and dream even if our current hopes and dreams may turn out to have mistaken. the point is, we still have hopes and dreams and we still can create art out of scratch. i don't know what that artwork is or what it will entail and how it will become, but i know that it will be beautiful as long as we continue to create. i'm not giving up on creating the world i want to live in and the art i want my life to be. i hope you won't either.

ugh

Tomorrow is the BIG day! And we are gonna sweep! Big!

But first we gotta get our people, our family and friends and community and neighbors, out to the polls. GOTV= Get Out The Vote. GOTV amongst everyone you know. If you're helping out a campaign, GOTV like crazy. Remind everyone you know to vote. Don't take it for granted. Just make it a part of your regular talk today and tomorrow to talk about voting in this election tomorrow. GOTV and vote tomorrow. We are gonna win BIG but we gotta GOTV first. And vote tomorrow!