So let's dance, the last dance
Let's dance, the last dance
Let's dance, this last dance tonight

CHANGES

I have a favorite nic-nac in my house. I got it several years ago after my difficult breakup with my ex. I always look to it for inspiration as I go through Changes in my life. It's very simple. It's just a little stand, with a picture of an iris flower, and a scripted quote which reads:

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

CHOICE

No woman should be forced to surrender her constitutional rights as they risk their lives to protect our freedom. But they are everyday by our federal government. So much for valuing our military forces.

I always had thought that B.D. Wong was already openly Gay. I mean, everyone knew, right? Plus I could have sworn I saw some Pride materials that listed him as Out once. But who knows? Apparently, he's just now formally coming out. And, well, good4him. I mean, we all knew, but good4him for making it formal.

I've always like him and been a fan. I first saw him on Margaret Cho's ill-fated television series, All American Girl, which I know everyone hated, but I actually really liked. I liked her and I liked him. Since then I've noticed him here and there in movies-- my favorite of which was when he, I thought openly Gay guy, was the voice of the big macho tough-guy love interest in Disney's Mulan. A few years ago my parents and I went to go see a performance by Rita Moreno her in SF and he was in the audience and I went over and told him I was a big fan. My parents didn't know who he was, although they may nowadays, now that he's one of those Law & Order spinoff shows. Anyway, he's always seemed like a good guy, although he comes off kinda strange in the interview. But whatever. Good4him and glad he's now Out. Anyone else want to come out now? There's room outside.

O M G: We have created a gay world where the straight guys are in the closet.

Horoscopes are a bunch of HOOEY!
That said, it's always nice to read ones you like and that seem to fit in with your current state in life. You can ignore and throw away the ones you don't like. I'm also not exactly an easy fit. I'm on the last day of Virgo or sometimes on the first day of Libra, depending on the version used. But I mostly look to the Virgo ones.

Regardless, my horoscopes of late have been truly inspirational and really on the mark about my Changes in life right now. This was Sunday's: Consider the next three months prep time, Virg. Be certain that the 12 months after your birthday will be among the best of your whole life. In the meantime, make a decision on Friday regarding your career or public standing.
But more importantly, this was yesterday's which I just love: You're about to see a long range gamble pay off, so hang in there. Expect matters to get dicey before you round the bend.

When it says what you want it to say, why not believe?

And how was your weekend?

Sorry I didn't post. Somehow I got overly busy with nothingness and so forth. Wasted a lot of time this weekend doing nothing. But really enjoyed yesterday afternoon hanging out with Jessie and reading and chatting and just hanging.

My final Spanish class on Sunday was terrific-- including the fact that our teacher secretly gave us a list of palabras groceras (bad words) in Mexican Spanish. I specifically had asked her to help me learn those because one of the main reasons I'm learning Spanish is to further my work with youth programs, and well, we all know that youth often speak with course language. I need to understand what's being said in order to fully understand life in the real world. So I much appreciated that list. Unfortunately, it's only good with Spanish use by those from Mexico. Each country, as is true with most languages, have their own types of cultural language (i.e. "bloody" in England means something different than here). But at least it's a beginning. David, are you ready for me? I'm ready to learn all the bad words from Puerto Rico now. Ha.

I am enraged! At first I was so excited about this, mostly as a novelty and wasn't really sure I'd actually do it, but THEN I read the fine print at the end of the notice, and realize that they don't allow Gay men: Please note that due to pending federal regulations, we are not able to accept donor applicants who have had sex with other men within the past five years. Stupid federal government and evil discrimination. It's the same with giving blood, and why I've never given blood since high school, because I won't lie and say I'm straight. Ugh, this all makes me so mad!

I think it's time I finally saw the movie Wag the Dog. The Lynch rescue story—a made-for-TV bit of official propaganda—will probably survive as the war's most heroic moment, despite proving as fictitious as the stated rationales for the invasion itself. If the movies, books and other renditions of "saving Private Lynch" were to be honestly presented, it would expose this caper as merely one in a series of egregious lies marketed to us by the Bush administration.

I had the great unfortunate experience of catching the beginning of the American Country Music Awards last night. This was unfortunate because of everything seemed to be pro-Bush this and pro-war that and it just disgusted the hell out of me. Even Reba made a joke at France's expense, and I like Reba. She 'minds me of my kinfolk. And that hurt.

But the most disgusting part of last night was seeing for the first time the country singer Toby Keith, a most disturbed individual who writes lyrics that are so full of contempt for law and order and respect, while in the guise of patriotism. He and Willie Nelson did a duet version of his "hit" country song "Beer for my Horses" which included the lyrics:

Grandpappy told my pappy, back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street for all the people to see that

And upon hearing them sing that I sat on my couch STUNNED and in awe that it was conceivable that the audience and the network would allow such blatantly racist and disgusting lyrics to go on national television without a whit of commentary. Just goes to show you how bad this whole "patriotism" scene is these days. His other popular "hit," "Courtesy of the Red, White, & Blue (The Angry American)," contains the line: `Cause we`ll put a boot in your ass; It`s the American way

And the thing is his album and single are incredibly popular and number 1 stuff. God, bless HELP America.

CHOICE

"They don't care what science says," said Claudia D. Stravato, chief executive officer of Planned Parenthood of Amarillo and the Texas Panhandle. "It's like talking to the Flat Earth Society."

For my sister and my niece: turns out the director of the Lizzie McGuire Movie is a Gay man. Why are we all not surprised?
Perhaps no one understands the feelings of a 15-year-old girl like a 40-year-old gay man who remembers repressing NC-17 feelings in a PG world.

Is half a Hiroshima OK?

We are clearly going in the WRONG direction as a nation. We are starting up the nuclear arms race again, after we were just beginning to get it slowed down. And this is all to stop terrorists who were using box cutters? You don't need nuclear arms to defeat box cutters. And you don't need nuclear arms to protect us. You need DIPLOMACY. Diplomacy that works to mend fences, counter terrorism, build allies, and defuse rhetoric. Diplomacy works-- we know that! What nuclear escalation on our part does is to reinvigorate the interest in nuclear arms of other countries that want to protect themselves against us, who want to arm themselves against us, and who want to use these weapons against their own enemies. And those countries that wish to fight their enemies with nuclear weapons can no longer say that there isn't a precedent. Because the Bush's diplomacy isn't working-- in fact it's a complete disaster. The Cold War is starting back up again. And we have Bush's prehistoric, right-wing administration to thank for that.

Is half a Hiroshima OK? Is a quarter Hiroshima OK? Is a little mushroom cloud OK? That's absurd. The issue is too important. If we build it, we'll use it...
We are literally talking about whether or not the United States will initiate a nuclear arms race again. Nothing that I can think of meets this in terms of gravity and its impact on the future of the world....
I deeply believe this bill places America at a crossroads in the conduct of foreign policy, and how we determine nuclear weapons policy will go a long way to determining whether we control nuclear proliferation or expand it. This bill will expand it. Let there be no doubt....
I cannot think of a single issue that should more define the political agenda today than whether the United States should go back into the nuclear business again...

Bush must be defeated in 2004.

CHANGES

Life is about Change. Life is about who you are despite Change. Life is about who you are throughout. Not about the day-to-day living. Not about the job, the occupation, the work. Not about the boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse or loved ones. Not about where you live or when you live. Life is about answering the question "who are you?" without reference to time or place or others or work or income or status or even love. Life is about answering the question internally and finding that strength from within. Because life is about Change. Change happens all the time but we hide from it constantly and can't believe it when it happens. The reality is that life is constant Change that we can't see. But if we open our eyes and welcome it, we see that there's much to embrace. But then, and only then, can we learn about and embrace our total being. Who we are is based upon who we are regardless of the Changes in our lives. And everything Changes. Change is good. It's brings about our true selves, enlightens us, and allows us to rekindle the spark that is our individuality. Don't fear Change. Love it. For it is helping you to see your full self. And then you can answer the question of "who are you?" without hesistation and without fear. And that is true and complete Life.

Pat Robertson is supporting the separation of church and state? Of course not, but this is a great article highlighting his hypocrisy and rhetoric.

Nice quote from the piece: The religious majority always believes itself to be two things: correct and benign.

I don't mean to belittle this obituary-type article, cuz it is actually very tragic, but I have to pull this little gem out of it:

Last year, he appeared on the TV game show "The Price Is Right" and ended up going home with the grand prize -- the showcase. "We still have all of that junk in our garage," Nancy Ng said. "Junk"? The showcase is "junk"? Can it be so?

I can't believe they're doing this in my City. Aren't we too politically correct and liberal for this sort of establishment? Where's my protesting sign? Oh, wait, I don't protest anymore; I just rant. Where's my ranting wand?

Of course, I should talk. I used to date a closeted guy who went there with his fraternity. How disgusting is that? Somehow my ranting wand seems limp.

It's all fake.

We have become tolerant, even appreciative, of spin skill.... But when is the spin so fast that it melts into lies?

CHANGES

I've been so busy lately. Ever since I made the big Change of moving on from my current job and setting off in new directions, I've been busy, busy, busy. Work has been incredibly busy with so many things to finish up before I leave-- the big conference, the big meeting, the big transition papers, the big everything.

On the homefront, I've inundated myself with activity. It's almost as if I'm trying to cram in all the things I always wanted to do into the "now" in order to make sure I do them while I'm dedicated to doing these things. So I'm loving my Spanish immersion classes; I'm loving the beginnings of involvement in the youth center (training tomorrow night!); I'm loving the volunteering with Senator Boxer's campaign; I'm loving the volunteering with other groups; I'm loving my cat; and I'm suprisingly energetic about it all.

And I only have eight working days left and then I plan some type of Giant detoxification of some sort to cleanse my spirit of this soon-to-be-past part of my life. Yes, I will miss my people greatly and have valued working with them for the last two years. But, I will be glad to move on and leave those struggles behind and get back to taking care of myself. I see June as a revitalization period. And I look forward to it as such. I need to reconstruct, rebuild, rejuvenate, and reinvigorate my inner self. And the physical too-- so much more gym in the near future as well.

Thanks for bearing with me as I go through all of this. And thanks for being so supportive and wonderful. It's made all the difference. I'm still here and going strong.

Most television works very hard to keep viewers' minds closed, to provide tried-and-true laughs for weary working folk who need it and to foist upon us cookie-cutter familiarity that allows us to know that the cops will catch the criminals and, when the world gets a little too weird, that someone like Jessica Fletcher will be there to put the world to right.

"Buffy" was different.
And that's why it's one of the few television shows I watch. Now with it gone, the only thing I have left is the Simpsons.

Bush strikes heroic poses on TV, but his administration neglects anything that isn't photogenic. The Bush administration has refused to pay for even minimal measures to protect the nation against future attacks.

CHANGES

The fall of the American independence and individuality. Instead, everyone will be working for giant corporations everywhere. Sad.
Love or hate it, big-box shopping has prevailed in the United States," Rough said. "We have democratized consumerism, and that can be viewed as positive. But the sad thing is that consumers have put the bottom retail line - - the cheap prices at big boxes -- over the health of their hometown businesses. That's what's really dividing us here.

This administration is clearly going back into the nuclear weapons business. That should clearly concern every American.... People should shudder when they hear about the administration's weapons plans.

Given what research and experience tells us, how can we continue to spend so much money, and ruin so many lives, by sending pot smokers to jail?... The government's marijuana mania would seem like one long "Saturday Night Live" skit if people's lives weren't being ruined.

And although our founders might not have predicted radio and television, there is no doubt they would have regulated the selling of our public airwaves to insure the broadest of freedoms, not to guarantee profits by economies of scale and cross marketing opportunities.

...they already removed our bodies from campus. Now they want to remove the evidence

So much for free speech.

The reason Bush nominees are having trouble is that a large number of senators, who represent many millions of Americans, find their views offensive. Senate Democrats have asked to work with the White House to identify qualified candidates who are acceptable to all sides. But so far, the White House has insisted on its right to name judges who are far outside the mainstream. If President Bush wants to end the impasse, he should take the Democrats up on their offer.

It hurts. It hurts a lot, and it hurts already. I can't watch now, without it being connected to this inevitable ending, this final bow. Every moment of beautiful joy extracted from clever, intelligent, hysterical, awesome, captivating writing wrecks me as it lifts me up....

Because when it ends, next week, there will be nothing left to hold on to. Nothing rational. It will just be gone, and each and everyone of us will clutch the empty spaces where our hearts used to be, and we will feel silly for mourning something so seemingly trivial and small as it were actually family.

So silly and yet so true. Hard to put it all in words.

When an industry regards its customers as thieves, there's a problem.

With all due respect to Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the only thing we have to fear is not fear itself -- it's what fear causes us to do.... It is that McCarthy the beast nourished himself on public fear. The greater that fear, the stronger he grew.

As we recall the McCarthyism of the 1950's, many are commenting on the similarities with today: "This is a dark hour for civil liberties in America" --- Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wis., the only senator who voted against the USA Patriot Act.

Funny commentary today by the columist who sometimes writes about politics in between columns devoted to his cats: There's a sleaze gap, and we need to bridge it... By and large, I like the bimbo presidents better.

PRIDE & SELF ESTEEM

...I suddenly notice how different my shadow looks compared to what I really look like. I ask myself, “Do I really know who that shadow represents?"... The political views you hold will not determine whether you’re a bad or good person. It all comes down to who you are inside. And who I see in my shadow is determined only by me and no one else.

CHANGES

I really am SO much happier these days. I've started remembering what "my life" and my interests and my personality are. No, I still do not have a new job lined up. Yes, my last day and my last paycheck are in a few weeks (at the end of the month). Yes, I am somewhat nervous. But mostly, I am happy.

I can feel it in my bones. I'm singing and dancing and humming around the apartment, and frankly, around the streets of San Francisco too. I have interests again in bettering myself and my community (i.e. my Spanish classes, my training to become a volunteer with a youth center, my actually studying for my Spanish classes when I'm at home, my planning further education opportunities for myself). What a difference a Change makes. Granted, it's a dangerous and scary Change. But how can I argue with the current results of my attitude on life?

It is hard out there. I won't lie. The number of interviews these days are paltry, if any. The number of jobs I have an interest in are small, but substantial enough to keep me hopeful. The economy truly SUCKS. And I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

But I do firmly believe this Change I've hoisted upon myself will be for the better, especially in the long run. In the short run, I'm not sure what will happen. But I know that this Change has brought with it so many positive results already. I just hope for one more big one very soon. In the meantime, I'm going back to humming and smiling. Join me?

I ran into an acquaintence of mine ealier today on the BART. He's a great guy who I really should get to know better. Anyway, he mentioned he lives in Japantown with his husband. I said that I was just there yesterday for my Spanish class. Then we both looked at each other and he commented on the fascinating mix and diversity that is San Francisco. Because where else would one take a Spanish class in Japantown?

Wow, I had no idea he had a lesbian daughter. So does Cheney. Who else has a lesbian daughter or a gay son? Maybe we'll start finding out more and more. That would be good. Come out, Come out, Wherever you are.

This is my Mother. Back in late March, after reading my regular posts about being depressed and sad and wishing for better, my Mother sent me a card with a poem that read:

I believe in you--
in the things that are important to you and the way you have chosen to live your life...

I believe that you can accomplish anything you set out to do, that you have many talents and the wisdom to use them well....

I believe that you have what it takes to overcome obstacles and to grow from every experience life brings your way...

I believe that you will always be faithful to friends and family and to the values that have shaped your philosophy...

I believe in your courage, compassion, and strength of character. I believe in your goodness....

I believe in you.

Then my Mother wrote: "The next time you feel sad or depressed just pull out this card and remember how special you are to me and all your family and friends. Love, Mama"

That's my Mother. And this is one of the reasons I love her and value her more than my own words can say. Happy Mother's Day.

This history of Mother's Day is less commercialism than one might think. Of course, history versus the reality of today's corporate takeover is a different story.

"Your TV is watching you"

Two strong reasons why I continue to LOVE living in San Francisco.

The beginning of the end for civil rights and anti-discrimination cases:
It's outrageous that lawmakers are seriously considering a job training bill that would permit publicly funded religious discrimination in hiring. Bias has no place in any government-funded program.
Ignoring calls to respect civil liberties, the U.S. House of Representatives today passed a major job-training bill with a provision that would permit employment discrimination based on religious beliefs in federally funded programs.
This takes us down a very dangerous road -- a road of religious bigotry and intolerance ... using federal tax dollars.
The president in fact has put the power of the federal government and our tax dollars behind discrimination.

This, my friends, is how they will come after us in the future. It's the end of civil rights protections. Soon it won't just be about the hiring of Christians-only, but it will be about race issues, sex (male/female) issues, sexual orientation issues, and the like. No matter how hard the Gay movement fights for adding sexual orientation into civil rights legislation, the end of civil rights itself may end up destroying all that work and all of us, all minority groups, will suffer this wrath of the religious right. Because you see, once the idea of religious discrimination supercedes civil rights (i.e. my religion doesn't allow me to hire you, sell you a home, offer you a loan, because your group is not holy) then there's no stopping that from winning everytime. Unless we do something to stop this. Now.

CHANGES

So, as I mentioned here previously, I decided to go through a Spanish immersion class porque I am tired of playing around with learning it and just want to get it going to where I'm not so scared and nervous and dumb anymore. I'd like to do one out of the country, but right now's not the best time for that, so I found this program in the City, close to my home actually, that runs a full day class every Sunday through this month of May. Last Sunday was my first day. And it was a doozy. I was so overwhelmed with the constant thinking and thinking and thinking that by the end of the day I was just completely drained of energy. It was really good for me, but oh-so-overwhelming. It's just a small group of about 7 so we get lots of "on" time and conversational practice. The problem was there was never an "off" time in that the breaks were incredibly short, say 5 minutes, and they and lunch were also in Spanish so there was no relaxation. Again, it was good for me, but it wore me out. I'm nervous about this Sunday's. But I know it'll be better. And I'm excited about it too.

So I haven't had a chance to post at all about my visit from Martin last weekend. His stay was quite brief (very late Friday night through Sunday morning) but that gave us all Saturday to hang and reconnect. I hadn't seen him in over two years. He was my first close friend after I moved to Washington, DC in 1995. He showed me around the city and its suburbs (he would drive me around so much and take me out to fun dinner places throughout the metropolitan area). He knew everything about anything about the city, its subcultures, their histories, even their languages (he knows 7). He and I had this one place we would go for special occasions-- a Korean restaurant in suburban Maryland. But really we went everywhere, and he taught me so much about life and history and cultures. It was great to hang again with him in person and enjoy the personal things that the phone and email never can bring a friendship. We didn't do anything special while he was here, other than just hanging out, eating good food, walking around, and reconnecting. It was everything it should be. And I wish I could hang with him more often. But distance has this way of holding people apart. We'll see each other again soon though. We already talked about a lot of things we need to do next time he visits. It'll be fun and peaceful. Thanks for visiting Martin.

CHANGES

I've been working out again. Finally. After I hurt my back a month or so ago I pulled myself out of the gym until I got through my work conference. Having successfully made it through that and having my back in good shape again, I've begun working out regularly again. And it feels great. I have my goals; I have my reading papers while I work out; I have my time (during lunch everyday); and I have a positive attitude about it. I've been there each day this week and I remember now how great it feels to go. My body is starting to catch up with getting back into the groove and soon we'll be moving forward and looking great too! One thing though, I just really hate situps! Everything else is fine, but situps SUCK. Anyway, happy to be back in the gym.

This administration has ignored homeland security in all but name while it focused all its energy on Iraq... Instead of pursuing the most imminent and real threats to our future -- terrorism -- this Bush administration chose to settle old scores.-- Democratic presidential candidate, Senator Bob Graham.

The great thing is that he has strong credibility and experience on this issue as he's been chairing or the ranking member of the Senate Intelligence Committee for years and knows exactly what's going on there.

We in the United States believe that we are at the forefront of representative democracy. The reality is that we were the cutting edge in 1789 and are way behind the curve now.

Imagine, if as in many democratic nations of today, we had a government that was operated by a coalition of all the proportions within an election. For instance, instead of the 50.1% winner-take-all scenario we have now, we would have a government where the 49.9% got 49% of the power and the 50.1% got 51% of the power. They would have to work together and compromise and move forward. There would not be a factor of never hearing or listening to the 49.9% of the population again. Plus this would augment third-parties and fourth-parties as they may be able to attrack 10% or so which would allow their voices to be heard in the halls of government, rather than always being on the sidelines. Just some thoughts. Could it work? It can and does in other countries. But I don't see it ever gaining momentum here anytime soon. But just so we all know there are options out there for other types of representation.

We were lied to. And now they're basically admitting it. And where, oh where, is the outrage from the American public?

Sad and scary. I've been trying to tell you all this for years. Unbeknown to most Americans, she says, a "fundamentalist revolution" has taken place in the United States -- a revolution comparable to those that have taken place in the Islamic world.... What troubles her is that the GOP's ideological fervor is not limited to one position. "It is every position that is extreme," she said, whether it is health care, the environment or abortion. "They would put nuclear tips on ice cream cones, if they could."

Could the new disease, SARS, be a result of our lack of respect for the environment and devastation of the planet?

There was a time when patriotic Americans from both parties would have denounced any president who tried to take political advantage of his role as commander in chief. But that, it seems, was another [time].

The Taliban or the Suburban? The GOP has patched together a coalition of those who want to keep the government out of your pocket and those who want to put the government in your bedroom.

CHANGES

It took me a while to come up with this month's Issue of the Month as you know. I've been so busy and so many activities have been happening. I kept thinking I'm going through so many Changes right now that I can't focus on an Issue. And then it hit me, maybe that's the Issue itself. Changes.

I have this strange bifurcated force within me that on the one hand wants a rut, and then on the other hand is never satisfied with a rut and wants to break free and start all over. It makes for a strange bit of frustration in my brain constantly, but it always helps to keep me thinking about my life on the whole. I've never been a great planner for the future, only that I know how I wish for my life to be on the whole, rather than viewed within a day-to-day basis.

So, as I struggle with those thoughts and endeavors, which are constant, and as I go through the many Changes that are in store for me right now in my life, I will elaborate further thoughts on these issues throughout this month. As I've said before, I don't have answers, I just have personal ideas and experiences and hope for the best.

Who else is ready for a Change?

CHANGES

May 2003: Changes

A New Day
Hello again ---it's me

It's gonna be a new day for you
A new day for you
The stars have played their part
The past is gone and done
Have more faith in love
The best is yet to come

Why do we fear Changes? Changes in our lives, Changes in our work, Changes in our loves, Changes in our world. Why do we always try to stay where we are? I'm so guilty of this fear. And yet, every once in a while I wake up from my dreamlike state and realize: I need to Change. I need to Change something in my life in order to make it better, in order that I move forward, in order that I grow and learn and heal. I've done this many times in my life. Each time, once I finally get to that breaking point when I make a radical Change, it's as if I've become a Phoenix, rising from the ashes of my old dying self and bursting forth mightier and healthier and happier than ever before.

So why do we fear Changes? Why do I fear Changes? These are the thoughts and ideas I will think through, with you, throughout this month. Especially as I go through many of my own big Changes this month.

Things are gonna Change around here!

"The Secrets of September 11"

It's been a long while since I've been moved by a film. Not just moved, but hurting my insides and traumatizing my brain long after. On Saturday night I went to see Better Luck Tomorrow. While watching the movie, I couldn't sit still, and later kept getting up and walking around in the back of the theater watching it and hoping it would end soon. Not because it wasn't good, but because it hit too close to home. I'm still not completely clear why it hit home for me so much, but it did. I spent the whole night unable to fully sleep and wanting to cry or scream or wish things were different.

I think part of it was that I was always one of those types of kids, like in the movie, who was the "good" kid, who overachieved in school, who took extra credit assignments, who wanted to please everyone and better my future. But as the movie showed, there's this darker side to that and so many people easily look over it because everyone wants to believe the "good kids" are always good and always perfect and always right and they can't see the full human being inside.

For the kids in the movie, their "dark" side was everything from cheating to drugs to violence, and they got away with so much because no one in authority ever suspected they would be the ones doing this stuff. For me, my "dark" side was being Gay. I'm not equating being Gay with cheating/drugs/violence/immorality here. I'm equating my feelings about being Gay when I was young, before coming out, to being a horrible human being. I'm equating my feelings about being Gay when I was young to that of being under the radar of the rest of the world. I'm equating my feelings about being Gay when I was young to the notion that everything isn't always "perfect," or "rosy," or "good."

I always felt as if I was horrible and evil, but no one could see it, and I did my best to hide it and conceal it for fear that I would ruin everyone's "perfect picture." And so, for me, reality was "dark" and I didn't want to live in reality. I hated reality. I wanted to pretend and hope for perfection and I strived to be in that place. And I hoped and prayed my heart out. And I became obsessive-compulsive about praying. And nothing ever made the reality go away.

In the movie, the kids end up unsure about their futures and afraid to let their dark sides be known. In my life, reality caught up with my "perfect image" when I couldn't take it anymore and finally just blew the closet door open. But even though I did come out and I now know that being Gay is not a negative or a "dark" thing, I still have those left-over feelings and internal baggage from when I was a child and teenager that are just below the surface of my emotions. And, sometimes, upon the right type of prompting, they come out to haunt me again.

I'm sorry people, I've been so so busy lately. I have barely even seen the computer let alone had an opportunity to blog or put together a new Issue of the Month. I'm so behind. Not sure when it's gonna happen either as my week is already booked up pretty crazy. I will try to do what I can to keep you guys informed though. Much love, Reese

My sister and I can attest to the truth in the following statement: Let's get this out of the way right off the bat. If you have an 11-year-old [or 9 or 10 or...] girl in your house, you will be going to this movie. Deal with it.
I would not be surprised if she's going to see the movie tonight.

Loyalty Day???!!! Disgusting. (via Victor)

My oldest and best friend from high school, Corby, has a new webpage with his art. I miss him terribly. Definitely check it out, and take a special look at his "lit art" which is phenomal in person. Remember when Jessie used to post Corby's fun comic pages on his site?

How many times have I said exactly this: Sometimes you wonder if life isn't just one long "Simpsons" episode. Remember when I used to call the Bush Administration the "Burns Administration" after Mr. Burns on the show? Check the archives from spring 2001, I did. Ah, the Bush Administration just keeps getting more and more into Big Brother land everyday.

Just as I'm posting about my sorrow over missing my old friends, I get an email late last night that my dear, sweet, DC-based friend Martin is coming to visit me tonight (tonight!) through Sunday. So cool!

I suck at meeting people socially, without some type of context, like at parties or something. I never know what to say to people. Parties never give me enough context because I keep thinking while I'm there "why am I here?" "who are these people?" "who am I and what face should I put on?" and so forth. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's me and I don't make sense.

So it is with that personal milieu that I hesitated initially at meeting up with four fellow bloggers who I know nothing about last night for dinner. Jeff was visiting town last night from his home in St. Louis and asked if I would join him and some others he wanted to meet in person for dinner. The others were very nice fellows with beautiful smiles: Vince, Chad, and Michael. It's this whole blogging community that I hadn't met before and made me think, "just how many gay bloggers are there out there-- there must be millions." Anyway, I had a good time and made it through without feeling too panic-stricken. I should get out more often.

I will have a new Issue of the Month up for May this weekend. May kind of snuck up on me.

MONEY

So as I write below the final days' cash outlays for April, I have a few thoughts. First, I had no idea others would be following my lead in this journey. When I began this Issue of the Month I was just trying to monitor my own cash loss every day/month. Then I find out that several of you out there took the task to heart and did it too. I even heard from my sister yesterday screaming about her monthly total and how it's so high and spent on "nothing." My monthly total is high as well and what I hope to glean from this information is ways to scale it back, realizing my excesses that don't need to be, and thinking through new ways of approaching my budgets. I will continue to do this daily activity, on my own, so I can continue with my own information-gathering-- especially as I only have a month left in this current job. I hope that you all will take with you the thought and knowledge that there's always more to learn about ourselves-- even when we think we know ourselves pretty well-- and that our society is based upon the constant use of $MONEY$.

WHERE DOES ALL MY MONEY GO? (continued and final total)
April 29th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Groceries: $3.07
Laundry: $8.00
Dinner: $10.00
Total: $43.32

April 30th cash outlay:
News $0.25
Coffee $1.00
Total: $1.25

APRIL TOTAL: $1,284.67

Now, granted I had a large expense this month with my tailoring (not a normal monthly expense), but realistically there usually is some out-of-the-normal expense all-the-time more times than I'd like to think about and I had a few days where I didn't have to spend money (which is also a rarity), so I'm going to keep it in there to help me gauge my monthly expenses more liberally. Below are also the breakdowns via categories:

Monthly Cash Outlay by category:
News: $11.88
Coffee: $30.25
Other Drinks: $46.30
Lunches: $93.85
Dinners: $114.00
Groceries: $203.53
Movies (Rental and Attendance): $52.50
Health Care: $160.00
Transportation: $119.00
Clothes/Hair: $389.00 (tailoring in here; without tailoring costs: $41.00)
Laundry: $21.50
Miscellaneous: $32.53
Again, APRIL TOTAL: $1,284.67
Whew.