Sorry, no time for posting. Having too good a time with my visiting friend Walter while he's here for the holiday weekend. I'll get back to the reality of the world after the weekend. So go have some fun for yourself.... right now!

Given this administration's past record on the environment, it's hard to imagine they are up to any good.

Hey, thanks for the kind words.

Love the Simpsons' reference, and the link to my site is kinda clever, kinda sorta.

Any kid, gay or straight, rich or poor, black or white... who sets foot on our school has a right to be treated with dignity, respect and free of harassment. Schools should be safe havens for all kids.... And now the ugly reality of the lack of laws for safe-schools, on a state-by-state basis.

When he's doing a war on terrorism, they're the axis of evil. When he's waging a war on women they're his allies. The ongoing Bush administration war against the words "reproductive health services." This is just pathetic, irresponsible, demeaning, and destructive.

Yesterday, out of the blue, Gerard im'ed me. Me, little ole me. I feel so special. You see, Gerard is "MySlyBiGuyD'lite" and my eponymous Shattered Closet for being so openly and strongly bi-sexual. I look forward to many more chats with this cutie blogger friend.

Bush's business career is a small-scale model of exactly the corrupt corporate practices now under fire. In case you missed the theme here, it's hypocrisy.

You may have thought it died a long time ago, but only now, today, is it officially and unequivocably dead.

Something must be done. Bush and Ashcroft are not dictators and must be held accountable. I am so sick of this CRAP!

So I did go to Robert's memorial service at City Hall on Monday night. It was actually a very nice program and the best part was that they had put up poster-size pictures of Robert around the room. It was very moving to look into his eyes in the pictures during the speakers' parting words. I did wear the tie that Robert gave me-- the tie that I hated then and still do, although now it has meaning to me. It's this loud, obnoxious tie that speaks volumes about his presence in the world. Never in my life have I had so many positive (and kindly negative) comments from people about a tie in my life. Throughout the day everyone I ran into was saying something about the tie. This, of course, led into me saying that Robert had given it to me, and for those who knew him, it was a funny and moving moment, especially when I told them that I hated the tie. Robert, you will definitely not be forgotten. As such, the Chronicle today wrote a quick excerpt from the service with a classic Robert one-liner: Upon seeing a Catholic priest being brought into his room to give him his last rites, Robert said, "Thank you," as he pulled aside his oxygen mask, "but sex is the last thing on my mind right now."

It is indeed a sad statement about our nation that it appears to be easier for governments to invest precious public dollars into the incarceration of African American men than it is for them to invest in higher education.

The American Civil Liberties Union

Now more than ever.

I think it's another example of the attorney general trying to disregard Supreme Court decisions with which he disagrees, and he promised in his confirmation hearing to follow the law of the Supreme Court.

Why is it that the country seems to have its head in a fog and mistakenly believe that Republicans are more fiscally prudent than Democrats?

GEORGE W. BUSH HATES AMERICA: Bush and his creepy henchmen can wrap themselves in nationalistic symbolism all they want, but these right-wing thugs aren't patriots. They may pledge allegiance to the flag, but they despise the republic for which it stands.

Several historic Gay rights bills have passed the California Legislature and are awaiting action by Governor Davis. It's imperative that we do all we can to make sure he signs all three of them. Please see this link for information on them and then cut&paste the sample letter (or write your own), signing it with your name and address, and email Governor Davis at governor@governor.ca.gov. Make sure the governor takes this opportunity to support basic equal rights.

Hallelujah! Finally, some sense is beginning to creep back in: A government operating in the shadow of secrecy stands in complete opposition to the society envisioned by the framers of our Constitution. Unfortunately, I fear, it won't stop the Bush Administration in any way from simply doing what it wants regardless....

As I was saying.... it continually looks like we've taken over by would-be dictators.

Where to begin with what's wrong, wrong, wrong about the direction we're taking on the environment?!

I'm just so proud of my Babycakes, so proud. He got written up in this article on his googowledge. His name is now in lights and he was fielding constant media calls from all of the country last night. He's tired of the phone ringing, but happy to have helped the community. If you read the article, the author mistakenly refers to Jessie as a "she" simply because in one of their transpiring emails Jessie referred to his boyfriend Chris and the author assumed, via social heterosexism, that then Jessie must be a girl. Ah, but this is San Francisco and he should know better.

C'mon people! We've got to get Senator Carnahan reelected! Support her in any way you can, even if you don't live in Missouri. Click on her website and find out how.

They're turning an old toxic dump into a tourist destination. Ever feel like we're living in a Simpsons episode?

Somehow we have become the core of an Axis of Medieval. Cool turn o' phrase.

Mr. Bush is a master of photo-op populism; his handlers seek out opportunities to show him mingling with blue-collar workers. But the reality is that this administration loves 'em while the TV crews are around, then leaves 'em when it comes to actual policy...Yet conservatives enthusiastically rely on populism — fake populism, based on staged shmoozing with ordinary Americans and attacks on the imagined cultural elitism of the liberal media. Why shouldn't liberals, who actually have the facts on their side, try engaging in the real thing? Good question.

Extraordinary arrogance calls for extraordinary steps.

Wow, I must talk to my friend Woodja about this. He used to ride and help set up their East Coast Rides.

I switched cellular plans yesterday, so if I ever gave you my cell number before I need to give you the new one. If I never gave you my number before, well, you should be already up to date then.

ANEW

Check it out: I started a Spanish class today. You know, the one I've been wanting to take all year but never got around to signing up for? Yeah, that one. And I think it's gonna be really good. The teacher seemed really cool and laid back and the class seemed challenging and yet not too hard. It's gonna be every Saturday morning which means that I gotta wake up, but honestly that's probably good4me in that it will get me up and about on the weekend. It's through the City College of SF which I worked on their campaign last year before I left the political consulting biz so it's kinda familial and feels good. I'm living again--- how very, very cool.

The difference between the states of Florida and California-- connections to the White House.

SURPRISED, AND YET, UNSURPRISED

So I am feeling better. As I posted before, it's pretty amazing. Ever since last weekend I feel like it's a whole new world. I mean, I still feel the depression inside me and it's still a fight, but it's so much easier to fight and live and think and get motivated and be interested in life. I can't tell you how different it is feeling better; I haven't felt this good since last year sometime. I mean, I'm happy and excited and interested in life again. I want to get out and do things again. What a difference. I'm just a little nervous that this is temporary and I'll be thrown back into the abyss again shortly. But let's hope for the best.

So, I went to a doctor to manage my medication yesterday and he said what I've been kinda thinking all along: that the depression during this year may have been a side-effect of my ending medication late last year once I had gotten beyond the OCD. He said that having had the medication in my system for four years and then being completely cleansed of it by December, that starting January my brain may have started to have a reaction to being without the medication and that made me very susceptible to depressive thoughts and concerns and easily led me into a depression. All makes sense to me and exactly things I kinda wondered about.

So, as you know, I started back up on the meds in June. Now, in August I can tell they're really working. He said that I could possibly think about trying to get off of them next year but for now it looks like what I'm taking is going well. Right now I have no interest in getting off of them because I know that I need them, but it's nice to think that there may be a time I could move away from them again. But then, realistically, I could need to be on some small dose for the long haul. That's disheartening, and yet not surprising to me anymore.

A nice little article about Robert was in the paper today. Monday's the memorial service and, even though I'll be in L.A. for a meeting all day, I hope to make it in time for most of the service that night. I think I'll wear a tie Robert gave me once.

Very funny article on a straight guy's journey into homo-acceptance.

Without trying to sound too gayboy and/or butch, let's talk gym. Ok, you guys know that I'm very happy and proud that I have lost, now, 18 pounds-- I'm trying to make it an even 20 but goshdarn those last two pounds are HARD. Well, now, I've been thinking: what's my new goal? My old goal was to lose 15 pounds. My goal since then has been to lose 5 more and to keep fit and trim and to work on the abs. But, you know, those are boring goals.

So today, I decided on a new goal: get biceps. Now, I know, that's just so showoffy, and I've never been about showing off, just looking fit. And as such I've never, ever worked on my biceps. I've worked my triceps a lot over the years and that's grown my arms to a nice larger size, but they're not something people normally notice. The biceps are what people look at, even though they're rather lame. Anyway, today, I decided to work 'em hard. I've been doing some bicep stuff a little lately and I can't do much cuz I've simply never worked them before, but today I really pushed it and soon, guys, soon you will be seeing some biceps worth a good showing off. Just you wait.

I know it's been quite a while since I've done an excerpt from my Simpsons' Daily Calendar of trivia questions, but honestly trivia questions are kinda hard to post versus the quotations from the calendar I had before. However, here are a couple of good ones from some of my favorite episodes (if you haven't seen these two episodes, you are really missing out!):

In "Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious", why won't Shary Bobbins ever be coming back?

a. She can only visit each needy family once.
b. She never wants to see the Simpsons again.
c. Abe stole her umbrella.
d. She got sucked into a jet plane engine.

In "Homer's Phobia", according to Homer, there are only two kinds of guys who wear Hawaiian shirts-- gay guys and who?

a. Hawaiians
b. Miami cops
c. Big, fat party animals
d. Racehorse owners
(Answers are in comments)

Anyone else find incredibly disturbing and sad the prospect that this man feels that he can "breathe [more] free" in the United Arab Emirates than here in the U.S. because of his treatment since September 11th? My god, what are we doing?!

A tyrant...is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.-- Plato

Sounds exactly like what's happening now.

Jessie, without even knowing it yet, is having an up-and-down day. First, it looks as if there's a whole bunch of crap for sale and so I can already tell where he'll be next Tuesday afternoon. Secondly, one of his many mentors in the film world died recently.

My day is going well, however I did just realize that it's now 32 days until I turn 32-- how's that for numerological quandries?

Firefighters are boycotting Bush's Sept. 11th ceremonies: The president has merely been using firefighters and their families for one big photo opportunity. We will work actively to not grant him another photo op with us... Don't lionize our fallen brothers in one breath, and then stab us in the back by eliminating funding for our members to fight terrorism and stay safe.

A new 95-page (95!) report from Human Rights Watch on the tyrannical abuses that our U.S. government has done since September 11th. Should be very disturbing reading.

San Francisco has got to absolutely, unequivocally clean up its downtown, especially the mid-Market street area or we are going to lose more and more tourists and suburbanites coming to visit. Additionally, those of us who live here in the City will simply end up leaving in disgust (read next to last excerpt), frustration, and sadness. I am so tired of this CRAP.

The growing strength of the Gay vote.

Interesting thoughts on the sadly forgotten rewards of the feminist movement: Heads held high, Brooks and Marris looked into the camera and spoke of their struggle to survive with an absence of shame that would have been unimaginable for rape victims a generation ago...That frankness is a victory for all women, but especially for older feminists, now in their 50s and 60s, who set out three decades ago to change the culture's entrenched "blame-the-victim" approach to rape...But the most important change brought about by the women's movement is abandonment of the antediluvian notion that rape is "a fate worse than death." Nothing is worse than death, as these two courageous teenagers understood when they joined forces to save their lives.

"Planet Jesus"??? (Hilarious post, Chris.)

Just a whole bunch of great articles in today's Technology Section of the Chronicle (they devote their Business Section to tech issues every Monday). Here's some snippets:

Updates on your Googling; the world of internet dating, from a straight perspective of course; a new "sim" game allowing public officials to practice how to handle bioterrorism attacks; proposed nanosensors in the blood; and privacy concerns with the growing usage of identity scanners to purchase alcohol.

Just a mess of cool info.

"marionette-in-chief ".... scary.

PROGRESS

It's getting better. Actually, amazingly so. Things just feel so completely different-- in a great way. Yesterday morning I actually woke up and wanted to get up and out and do things. I had a movie rental that I had previously thought about watching, but I was too interested in going out and about that I pushed it aside. I got dressed, danced to some music on the radio, and went out to do things. Nothing major, but did I mention I danced? And I got out and I wanted to do it. Wow.

Today, I've been thinking about plans for the future, things I want to do, road trips to take with friends, family visits, visits from friends, classes, and other stuff I want to do. I have even started to list things I like. Ok, I know this sounds hokey, but bear with me because a week ago I couldn't have made a list of anything I liked. Now, I know that:

I like children's toys.
I like toy animals, especially cute bugs.
I like real animals.
I like coffee.
I like reading the newspaper.
I like fighting the power.
I like waterfountains and the ocean.

I know, I know, it sounds so hokey. It sounded terribly hokey writing it down too. But you can't know how important that is right now. Last week, even a few days ago, I couldn't even think of a reason to get out of bed. Now I actually have a list, albeit small and hokey, of things of interest. I know I still have work to do and I'm not through these woods yet, but I can see that there is hope and, wow, what a dif'rence a day makes.

The refusal of the United States to acknowledge and investigate the possibility that its military partner murdered hundreds or thousands of prisoners is a terrible repudiation of its commitment to hold perpetrators of war crimes accountable for their deeds.

About time! Very cool news. Thanks David for the notice.

Why are people surprised by this? It's funny what the media suddenly decides is relevant news. We've known that we aided Iraq, but the media and those in power kept silent on its extent. Obviously, it's twisted that we help them and then we hunt them down, but such is the U.S. foreign military policy under Reagan, Bush, and Bush. Why the shock now?

A Land Without Lesbians Is No Land For Me

I had a big lesbian day yesterday. Very fun. Hung out with my dear friend Alicia for brunch and we caught up on her recent East Coast exploits. Then I went to a BBQ at my friend's, Esther & Lisa, house where they roasted a pig in the ground Hawaiian style. There were lots of lesbians there and it was fun seeing women for a change. I should get back to my roots and hang out with lesbians more often. When I was in Kansas City almost all of my closest friends were lesbians, but since I've lived in bigger cities I seem to have more male friends. Strange.

For those not in the know, the quote above is one of the feel-good songs from the classic GLBT musical Isle of Lesbos, and I've been singing it ever since yesterday. I happened to catch this wonderful movie during the Washington, DC GLBT film festival in the late '90s. I've been scouring movie stores, gay stores, and a million other places to find a copy of the movie, or at least the soundtrack, and have never succeeded. If anyone has the ability to find it, not only will they have my undying gratitude but they'll also get a big wet kiss on the lips!

What a bizarre story.

The perfect job for Chris.

So the other night I was in kind of a dark mood and thought I'd rent a musical. I know, that sounds pretty weird. But I was looking around my favorite video store over and over and over and just couldn't think of anything to rent that would fit my sad mood and then it occured to me: oh yeah, that movie Carousel had a really dark mood to it (I'd seen it when I was a child and remembered that I didn't like it much because it was so unhappy) and I immediately thought that maybe a dark musical with maybe some sad songs will be just perfect. So away I went.

Unfortunately, the movie just completely sucked. Before I get to the sociological issues, which you knew I would, let me just take this musical on its face. It's terrible.

First, the songs, except for one or two, are completely forgettable and rather forced. I was shocked and dumbfounded by that. I was just hoping that the next one would be somewhat better and then someone would just sing the most ludicrous and boring song ever.

Secondly, the dancing, BORING! Oh, yes, they did some impressive stuff I guess, but it was directed so badly and I just felt nothing towards it.

And finally, the story was all over the place and needed much work. BORING BORING BORING.

Now onto the sociological issues. Well, I'll just comment on one. Not that our society has come far enough, but it's notable how far we've come on the issue of domestic violence when one watches this movie. Let me just describe this one scene cuz it speaks for itself:

After getting hit by her father, the daughter runs to her mother and says: "Is it possible to get real hard, I mean real hard, and it not hurt at all?" The mother, with much love in her eyes for the father, says: "Yes, my dear, it is possible. Sometimes getting hit real hard doesn't hurt at all." And somehow this was supposed to be showing the love that there was between the family, even though the father just can't control himself.

Aaaakk!

It used to be so natural
To talk about forever
But used to be's don't count anymore
They just lay on the floor
Til we sweep them away.


You'd think that I could learn how to tell you goodbye...

Big Brothers Big Sisters "will become a magnet for homosexuals..."
I've seriously considered volunteering with them so I could share some of my time with a youth in need. I used to enjoy tremendously my time at the youth center in Washington, DC, hanging out during the Drop-In, facilitating the rap-groups, playing games, listening to music, and just being an ear for them. I've missed my time volunteering with youth. I've wanted to get back into it, but I've been so depressed of late that I was afraid I wouldn't be any fun for them. But maybe it's time to give it a try again. Maybe it would also help cheer me up.
P.S. From the article: what exactly is an "active homosexual"? and follow-up question: conversely, what exactly is an "inactive homosexual"? Just asking.

Enough!!!

PHILOSOPHY

Some of you may wonder why I've waxed more fully than before on my life. A couple of things prompted this.

One, Sparky came to town and noted that he wanted to know the "man behind the headlines." It may have been a little side comment to him and others, but it really made me think and I haven't forgotten that comment of his.
Two, Brian wrote in after my first diatribe, "I hope you'll let your readers be a part of your journey to recovery." That simply has to be one of the nicest and most engaging comments I've ever received. (Not to go without mentioning: I've received other great emails and comments, including some unforgettable ones back in March after the "post from hell" was written. I very much appreciate all of them.)
Three, I need to be open about this because I know I can't do this alone. I realize that I need help. I'm trying but, again, it is very hard.

The medication is working to some extent, but I keep getting into constant philosophical discussions in my brain that go nowhere and leave me completely immobile. (i.e. if I go to see a movie today, does that define who I am for this day?... if I choose to see "Eight Legged Freaks" over something else, does that say who I am right now in 2002?) As you can see, insanity is reigning in my brain and I end up not doing anything and becoming immobilized by these endless self-defining queries. If I can't even choose a movie, how can I decide on other larger issues of life? It's all a bit overwhelming and tiring, but I am trying and really appreciate the thoughts and help you've given me. I will keep on trying and keep on updating you as I go through this struggle. It's something I know I need to do.

Even though the San Francisco Bay Guardian fought tooth-and-nail against Robert and his political activities (in San Francisco this is part of what is known as the "left fighting the left"), they gave a really nice memorial piece to him today in the weekly paper. They fed off each other's power, politics, euphemisms, and crazy bedfellows. Nice of the paper to note his passing as one of sadness and loss.

Ok, since noone has blogged about this yet, I guess I will. We had a great time last night watching a very, very, very bad movie entitled "Voodoo Academy" which basically was a twist on the genre of horror movies to feature scantily clad young females, and in this case featured very scantily clad and buff young boys. Guess why we watched it? It was so bad I can't even say it was a B-movie, more like a C-movie and really like the types of dialogues and filming found in porno movies (not that I would know, mind you). But we owe it all to Chris who found an explicit website (what's the link again?) and then found the movie itself intermixed with other throw-away movies for $5. I'd hardly be surprised to find out if Don had something to do with putting this movie together, but if he didn't then the question becomes "why not?"

Everybody's impressed with my sister. She's cool. Well, now, a little about my brother. He subtly and very meaningfully gave me a copy of the Northstar comic book as a present (he collected comics at the time) back in the early 90's; I had just come out in 1990. He's cool too. I have a cool family. Yay for me.

For some reason, Chris and Jessie didn't remember and believe me that I named my rooms after fellow bloggers. As such, here's the link to that post.

Wanna write a letter to the government? Do you have a Progressive Secretary?

Lucky us: we hit the trifecta.

So, the TV Guide is 50 years old now. I remember growing up and every week my mother and my siblings and I would always fight over grabbing the mail in case the TV Guide was in there so we could have the first crack at reading it and marking the shows we wanted and just hogging it outright. It was a friendly fight we'd enjoy each week. I also became known as the only one in the family who cared to remove the address label on the front so I could see the full cover; I was so happy when they made them easily removable and so bummed when they made them a part of the cover with no ability for removal. But I don't care anymore. I don't watch enough TV to pay attention and I can get the info nowadays on the internet or via the Sunday paper's version. 50 years on and is it still relevant?

They're moving the Exploratorium?! I feel Jessie getting all in a twit again.

You guys want to know what it's like from the inside of the industry? Read this and hear from a producer's point of view. That's the reality of Hollywood.

Ten years after the "Year of the Woman" could we possibly and hopefully be in for the "Year of the Woman Governor"?

Yet there was Bush...basking in the glow of the mine workers, while saying nothing about mine safety issues. He was exploiting a near-tragedy of the kind his administration has done little to prevent.

Neighbor versus neighbor? Tips Watch.

What a LIFE he had. I'm proud to have been in it. I miss him.

So surreal and oh so sad. Thank you Robert for all you did for me and for the gay community. Goodbye, my friend.

It's HOT. (P.S. To the rest of the country, these temps are hot for us in the Bay Area. P.P.S. Most offices/restaurants/homes/places here don't have air conditioning because it never gets hot. P.P.P.S. Therefore, it's extra hot here for us. P.P.P.P.S. Nuff said.)

But I have a secret fantasy: I take all the stuff to the dump and set it on fire. I start fresh, a free man...

subliminal messages continue

WHAT'S NEW?

My cell phone rang while I'm on the phone at work. I didn't recognize the number and felt that maybe I should answer it. It was Corey, a co-worker and friend from my last job-- the political consulting office I worked at from 1999-2001.

Corey: "Reese, you know what's been going on with Robert, right?
Me: "I've been keeping up on the emails and hearing stuff through the grapevine."
Corey: "Well, we don't think he's going to make it through the night and everyone is coming by right now. You might want to come down here right away and give your final respects."
Me: "Oh, oh, ok, well, I could try and be there later tonight-- how late are visiting hours?"
Corey: "You can come anytime, but you really should come soon, he may not make it until tonight."
Me: "Ok, I'll try."

Robert is my former boss. He hired me in the fall of 1999 after I moved here and I was still wide-eyed and excited and looking for community jobs and volunteering and had my passion. Even though I had absolutely no experience in financial matters, he hired me to manage his political consulting business, doing the books, writing checks, overseeing the office needs and personnel, and occasionally working on some campaign stuff. Then in 2000 he merged with a few other political consultants and became a much larger firm and I was the only person from the office he took with him into the merger. There, at the larger firm, I was no longer going to do fiscal matters and I would bring my activism, legislative, and political background into running campaigns. He helped me move into this political arena, of which I'd never actually done direct campaigns before-- other than volunteering or through other groups. It was through this firm that I got to run the local library bond campaign throughout 2000 and of which I am most proud for that period.

Robert's been in the hospital since June. It took them a while to figure out what was wrong and they were asking friends and relatives to stay away from the hospital because he needed to rest. Having been such a political player for many years, his floor of the hospital had become a Democratic convention. I never went to visit because they preferred people just send their regards and they would alert us as to when was better time for visiting. A network of friends began putting together updates via email and such on his progress and on visiting possibilities and such. I kept up with that and checked in with friends. But today, I got the call of a different sort. It was time to visit because there was no other time.

After I got off the phone I realized that I should just go directly there right away. And I did. But it's hard to know what to do or how to feel. I'm not good with emotions, especially when I'm given situations where I gather I'm supposed to feel one way right away and I'm particularly not good with last minute emotions. I'm also not good with emotions in group settings. Everyone there was quiet and subdued and it was kinda like a big reunion except that no one was happy. Robert wasn't conscious and people were going in one-by-one to just see him. I didn't know if I wanted to for fear of ... I don't know. But I went in briefly and it was just surreal seeing him lying there with tubes in his mouth, eyes open but not seeing, and life being held on by machines. I went back to the groups in the waiting rooms. This was the ICU and there were two big, comfortable waiting rooms. Again, everyone was chatting and reconnecting. I've been out of this circle for a while now and so it was good to catch up, but very awkward in how to ask or respond to "What's new?" or "How are you?" under these circumstances.

Again, it was hard and still is hard to know how to feel. Robert and I didn't have the closests of relationships. We were boss and employee, although we definitely developed a friendship and fondness. We fought a lot, mostly during the first year, because we had very different and conflicting personalities. He was known for fighting and many employees before me left. I was not known for fighting in general, but I never seemed to have a problem in sticking up for myself or arguing against him because it just seemed the way things were there. Over time, we calmed and he greatly calmed. He met a wonderful man who became his husband in 2000 and that really soothed his temperment. I feel so sad for Carlos right now. He seems to be holding up well, but I'm sure he's also in shock.

After I left that firm in 2001 Robert and I would still see each other around occasionally and we definitely had a relationship, but I'm not sure how to describe it. We have always been very different people and I don't think either of us knew how to react to the other one. It's hard to know how to react because it's a terribly sad and distressing situation. I feel terrible for the loss for Carlos and Robert's family and friends, and for the community in general for the incredible and large role Robert's played in it for so many years, but it's hard to know how to feel on a personal level. I'm just not good with emotions, in groups, in times of crisis, or within myself.

I went there twice last night and left a little before 10pm to go home. Robert was still alive at the time, but the family was in the other room discussing funeral arrangements and final wishes. Robert was not expected to make it through the night. I haven't heard anything yet this morning and I'm not sure how or what or whom to ask. I've got a sadness inside me this morning that I don't know how to express, and yet I'm also struggling with what to do about it and the thoughts of just living my day "normally." I'm just so definitely not good with times of crisis or emotions.

Great, we all have to buy new tv's. You know, I'm sick of constantly having to update everything. One of these days I'm just gonna become one of those angry old malcontents who complains about everything and says things like, "Back in my day...."

Tying houses of worship to partisan activity would demean those institutions, and the potential for them to be involved in political campaigns would lead to pressure on them to take a partisan stance.

I have no qualms about the fights Emily's List has taken in the last year. I just wish they would have won more, expecially the ones in Maine and Michigan. Now, unfortunately, we have two very conservative men, having beaten pro-choice and liberal women, as the Democratic representatives in these districts. We need them to win in November now to get a majority in the House, but I would have greatly prefered the women having won in the primary.

A fun history of the air conditioner, of all things. And a good discussion of what it has wrought. Let me also say, from my personal perspective, that one thing I absolutely LOVE about living in San Francisco is the ability to almost constantly have my windows open bringing in fresh air throughout my home. I LOVE THE WEATHER HERE.

New website: thetruthaboutgeorge.com. The truth is, apparently, out there, but how many people will hear it?

Recently, he said, a 19-year-old patient came to his clinic because she was abnormally short. During the exam, a young doctor noticed that her clitoris was enlarged and was horrified. But Daaboul suggested the doctor ask the patient about her feelings about her appearance, and it turned out she was perfectly happy. "Had this been pre-Cheryl, I probably would have agreed with my fellow that something had to be done," Daaboul said. "But having listened to Cheryl, I realize that it's OK."
What an amazing bio. I'll admit, I'm still pretty unknowledgeable about the whole intersex world, but I can't help but think "Hallelujah!" upon reading the above excerpt.

This is just really too bad and a blow to more liberal Democrats, but we must remember that it's the Republicans that caused a terrible intra-party fight and I'm sure they're still gloating over the whole thing. Stupid Republicans. Hate them.

Sad to see it go, but it really did seem to have a difficulty finding a niche in San Francisco. It is much bigger in Los Angeles. It did have some great political writings, actually written by a friend of mine, but it still seemed to be a paper that was rather glossed over by the public. Hopefully, my friend and the other staff can find new work soon.

Speaking of my niece, her absolute favorite boy is this guy named Billy Gilman-- some young preteen music sensation or something. Anyone, check this out from his webpage:
What CD's do you listen to? "Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Celine Dion, STREISAND, Dixie Chicks, LeeAnn Rimes, Backstreet Boys, N'Sync and Britney Spears."
Looks like I'm not the only gay man she loves.

My niece Mariah is 8 years old. She's adorable and sweet and I miss her terribly. I haven't seen her in person since January and that's simply too long.

Today, I'm talking to her on the phone and she, once again, is asking me about if I have a girlfriend. Now, ever since she was born I've been OUT and I have never hid that from her. She's visited my very gay apartments; she's seen my gay posters; I've explained to her that I have boyfriends, not girlfriends (of course, I don't really have anything, but that's another story); she used to say I would have "girlboyfriends," she just couldn't rid of the "girl" part of it; I sent her a book years ago about different families with a picture of my then-boyfriend and I on the front cover; just in January she and I had a conversation about this very same subject of girlfriends and I said I was Gay and she didn't believe me and then we moved on.

She's 8 and I don't expect her grasp everything at all. So, today, she once again, this time with her babysitter on the speaker phone with her, talked to me about girlfriends and what women I liked and so forth. And I, once again, told her that I have boyfriends and so forth. This is the excerpted and dramatically enhanced conversation:

Mariah: "Are you gay?"
Me: "Yep"
Mariah: "Nu huh"
Me: "Yu huh"
Mariah: "Nu huh"
Me: "Yu huh"
Mariah: "Nu huh"
Me: "Yu huh"

And so on for a really long time. She and babysitter in the background with giggling and not sure of how to respond anymore. I finally said, "Mariah, I've told you this before. This is not a secret. You've heard about this before. I am gay and I don't have girlfriends, I have boyfriends." (If only that were true.) That came out, in writing, kinda meanspritted, but in talking it wasn't. I said it very lovingly. Anyway, we then moved on to other subjects.

Later, she asked me what my favorite color was. I said it was green, but I also liked blue and purple. She asked me if I liked pink. Oh, how hilarious. She was putting me with pink because of the gay thing. How funny is that? So I said, "Sure, I like pink, but it's not my favorite." And then I said, "But I do really like Pink" (the pop music woman) and then started to sing about getting a party started. We then moved on into which pop music stars we like-- mostly the ones she knows about, which revolve around the basic bubblegum pop variety types. She then asked me if I had a crush on Michael Jackson. Uh, no. But I then went into how my sister, her mother, did have a crush on him big time when she was little in the '80's.

Besides, I said, out the guys we had been talking about "I do think Ricky Martin is cute." And then she laughed and said she really liked Billy Gilman and Aaron Carter-- very young cutesy boy pop stars who are about her age. We eventually moved on to other subjects and sang songs together and laughed, but I think she's rather confused about me again. But I know she's beginning to get it more and more nowadays, what with the stereotypical reactions and questions now. At the young age of 8 she's already made some very stereotypical determinations about what gay is and isn't, even though she doesn't understand. But at least, hopefully, she'll grow to understand over time and I'm thankful that I have a family that understands how important it is for me to be OUT to her all the while.

Besides, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Secret arrests are 'a concept odious to a democratic society' and profoundly antithetical to the bedrock values that characterize a free and open one such as ours.

"One, two, three -- latch!"

A fantastic article on music, simply fantastic! Here's a couple thought-provoking excerpts, although I encourage everyone to read the full article:

Among the more dubious inventions of the last century is the teenager. Concocted after World War II, the teenager is a marketing construct, a thing devised to sell things to....Now, as we grind ourselves into this brave new century, when we think of our culture, we think of teenage iconography, the marketed artifacts of adolescent years.

Having a youthful identity crisis? Not to worry; the music industry will tell you who you're supposed to be.

After 50 years of this music, it's enough, already. Bad culture makes for bad lives, and a culture that points its youth to mindless and empty consumerism, that tells young girls to see themselves as little more than sexual appliances, that fuels impotent rage flailing at itself in mosh pits and body piercings, is a life-denying culture. It's a culture that seldom affirms anything noble in us, that feeds self-pity, self-absorption and, ultimately, self-loathing. It brings out the best in no one.

A fascinating, in-depth look into the history and world-view of Ashcroft. Very disturbing indeed.

Second-generation Hiroshima children continue to face discrimination when it comes to getting married; it is feared the bomb still lurks in their genes.

THE ONGOING STRUGGLE

It's still hard. I'm sorry, but it is. It's getting a little better. But it's still hard.

It's so hard to determine things to do in life, everyday, anyday. I woke up this morning and just kept going back to bed over and over because I didn't know what to get up for. I don't like to live by plans, it makes me feel trapped. And yet, I think I need plans and rituals because it gives me a reason to move. I spent most of the morning (about 4 or so hours) just deciding to go outside. I couldn't decide what would be worth doing. I had this inkling in the back of my head that I would go and look at the Bay and read the paper. But I kept debating over and over where to go and how to go and fighting off excuses for not doing it or for it being too much trouble or for lack of interest. It was so hard to leave the house today.

But I did it. ;-) It was hard, but I did it. And I did something fun. I walked over to the top of Nob Hill, to my favorite corner, where one can stand at the top of the hill above a downward street and look out and see the most magnificent view. There's nothing there but an intersection, but I chose to make it my own today. I plopped myself down on the sidewalk with my bag, my coffee, and the paper. And I sat there and enjoyed the view and read the paper for about an hour and a half. I kept having to fight off going somewhere else constantly (I always want to do something different, seemingly more enjoyable, while I'm doing something enjoyable), but I managed to stay put, only to move when the occasional tourist group came by and asked for me to take their picture.

But then the day was still hard. Afterwards I walked around the park on the hill a bit, sat and watched the children play, read some more paper, and then went back home. And then I never left the house again. It was a beautiful day and I'm so glad I did make it out some, but I wish it could have been for longer or have been more filled. Instead I sat on the computer and did nothing, which is most days now. I'm so tired of that, but it's so hard to get myself motivated anymore for anything at all. It's still hard. But I'm trying and I'm proud that I did make it out for a little bit today.

In general, there are things I do want to do, at least philosophically, but I've lost my passion. I used to want to volunteer and work with youth groups and do political activities and fight the good fight and make friends and have friends and have dinners and concerts and plays and movies and such. And there's that Spanish class I keep meaning to sign up for. And then there's that new home search and want of a dog and want of traveling and beaches and oceans and springs and parks and love. And love. But my passion is so gone these days. How can I do those things when I can't get out of bed? How can I do anything when I can't get any interest in anything? It's hard still. But it is s-l-o-w-l-y getting better. I hope.

My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom....

I shaved my full face today for the first time since that crazy bike wreck last October. Happily there's no scars, unlike my hand which has some seemingly permanent scarring. Babycakes will have to take some updated pictorials this weekend so all can see my bare look.

I'm sorry, but I have to post about this again because it is simply too, too hilarious and incredulous and unbelievable. So today, Ms. Harris, the official who made so much of "following the letter of the law" during Florida's botched 2000 presidential election, resigned as secretary of state in a letter to Gov. Jeb Bush dated Aug. 1, but she said her resignation was effective July 15, the day she qualified for the Congressional race.....Harris said she didn't know the election law applied to her and acknowledged that she never checked with her own elections division.

Jessie and Chris are the bestest guys in the whole world. They saved me tonight from the evilness of computer corruption and virus monologues. I love them to death.

Don't ever say that conservative right-wingers ever confessed to being skilled in the English language (unless of course they're trying to make it the official language of the U.S.). This excerpt is from a campaign commercial in Georgia where two Republicans are vying to be the most extreme conservative in order to win the primary:

"Linder's okay but Bob Barr, he's just born to lead," the younger farmer says. He further describes Barr as "tough, aggressive" and a leader of "conservatives in this country." The ad ends with the older farmer concluding: "Linder's good too. But Barr's just gooder."

If the thought of her in Congress (which will happen next year, mind you, because she's so well-liked by Republicans and she's in a Republican district) wasn't so scary, you just have to laugh reading about her stupidity. How can you say you don't know the election law when you are in charge of election law for the state?

P.S. Oh, this just feeds the already-joke-filled-fire about the the debacle of 2000, Florida, and election laws. Again, it would be hilarious if it hadn't have brought us the Bush Administration.

Who wants to see this with me? You know you do. I mean, come on, it's a musical about gay circuit parties and the dotcom revolution of the late 90's. A musical. Perfection, high larity, and fabuloso funtasticity. We must all go soon.