I, too, don't understand why jury duty is so despised. I would love to be on one, as long as it wasn't too long or that whole sequestered thing. I feel rather patriotic about it and want to do my part. (I know, I'm weird.) Actually, I have jury duty coming up on August 12th and we'll see what happens.

So terribly true: Within the gay community, "A" gays used to look down on "B" gays, but young gays with abs look down on both.

It is with deep regret that I have a conflicting engagement July 16..and cannot address your conclave of leeches. Never forget that they hate us blindingly.

THE MEDICATION

I can feel it-- the medication. It's so weird sometimes to think that pills can restore your soul. If I take the pills, I'm alive. If I don't take the pills, I'm not functional. Doesn't that seem surreal? Like some kind of eerie, Big Brother type, horror novel one reads and is thankful that life isn't like that.

I'm not mad or upset really; it just seems strange. But I can feel it inside me. I'm happier now. "Happy" may not be the right word because I've learned that depression-- at least my symptoms-- is not about sadness, but a disinterest in life. I'm not sad; I'm just bored and I don't want to do anything. So the medication isn't really making me "happy," although it is to some extent, rather I'm feeling an interest in doing things again. And I find myself humming again, and listening to music again, and being silly again, and even enjoying some aspects of work again. Life isn't so bad again.

And I owe it to medication. Doesn't that seem surreal?

The frightening similarities between the Bush Administration and Orwell's 1984.

Very well documented Sparky. I gather relationships and love are no longer built upon active social lives, but rather upon the understanding of the grunts made while busily typing away on one's individual PC.

For anyone who knows the Bay Area, they know that getting to San Francisco Airport is incredibly difficult and a big waste of time. The fact that this extension of public transportation is FINALLY happening is a victory for everyone.

HONESTY

Life is incredibly hard. I'm learning that more and more as I get older.

As those of you who've read my blog for a while know, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and was able to kick the symptoms after a period of 4 years of struggle. Last Thanksgiving I very happily quit taking the medication because I no longer needed it to fight my OCD symptoms. It was a very wonderful moment.

Since the beginning of this year, however, I have had a new struggle. I've been kind of wondering if this might be partly due to my ending the medication, but regardless, the honest truth is that I've been going through a major depressive episode that has really hit me hard. I have never felt like this before... never. It has really scared me and I know I've scared others sometimes. I've always been one to enjoy life and want to do many things in it. So, depression seems antithetical to my personality. And yet, here it is. Why?

I never really understood what depression was before, until now, until I've gone through it myself, until I can understand and feel the complete lack of interest in everything and anything in life. At times, it's felt overwhelmingly physical to where I have pain in my chest and stomach.

I don't want to do anything. I don't even know what would be "fun" anymore. Nothing interests me-- not happy things, music, parties, sex, movies, social groups, work, politics, volunteering, the news, the ocean, the weather, nothing. These are things that I have always loved so much, as well as many others. And yet, throughout this period I've been struggling with caring about anything. I hardly want to get out of bed, simply for lack of interest in anything to do.

So, a few months ago I sought help. I knew I needed it badly. And I know you guys out there have noticed how my posts have been sporadic, and even sometimes extremely sad and disturbing. I'm sorry if I've scared or worried you. Honestly, I've been scared and worried about myself too. About two months ago I went back on medication. I knew I needed that, even though I greatly hated getting back on medication. It made me feel dependent. It made me feel lonely. It made me feel like a loser. And depression.... depression.... I don't want to define myself like that. It sounds so utterly stupid, pathetic, and unreal. But here I am.

In 1997 when I was diagnosed with OCD I honestly felt a great relief. I finally realized that life didn't have to be like it was, that I wasn't crazy, that there were options and that I could get better. In 2002, being diagnosed now with depression, I don't feel those same positive thoughts. I still want to hide away from this reality, this diagnosis, this hurt, this life. Honestly. And it's hard. But I know that I can get better if I keep fighting. And, my friends, it is a tremendous and arduous struggle. Everyday. Every minute. Just to do the things we take for granted have become great chores. Just to smile has become a question of personhood. Just to live has become a constant question of my own self. I'm going through a very difficult period. This is the beginning of my "coming out" to be honest with you, everyone, and myself. This is the beginning of admitting I have a problem and that I very much want to get better.

This is the beginning. It's hard. But I appreciate you being here along the way with me. And I know that if I can kick OCD, I can kick this too. I have to. It's that simple. And I hope that this honesty will begin the process. Thank you for listening and being here with me during this time.

It's the weekend!!!!

A fascinating interview with Lani Guinier who President Clinton appointed in the mid-90's to run a department on civil rights but was blocked by right-wing Republicans calling her a "quota queen." She was sadly never confirmed.

How the people at the United Nations Population Fund are responding to the defunding by u.s. Plus I love the way they end the statement: The United States is the only country ever to deny funding to UNFPA for non-budgetary reasons.

Would David agree with the sentiments of this article? One wonders.

A really great write-up on the lack of diversity in television. It'd be really funny if it wasn't so terribly disturbing.
(P.S. And you gotta love this picture of lawyers from the new show "girls club". LAWYERS, ok, lawyers. And yet, they look like they're ready for Playboy. What kind of lawyers wear their clothes like that? I mean, really, look at how the redhead is wearing her shirt! Plus you gotta love the caption for this picture (on another page) that says that their idea of diversity was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Ha!)
(P.P.S. I love the noting that a doctor's show set in San Francisco has only white employees-- absolutely no Asian Americans, and this is a city that is 1/3rd Asian. This is ludicrous, especially for anyone who actually goes to a medical office in San Francisco.)

I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World. Oh, what a fun, fun song. I miss Aqua. I think we all know what's gonna be on Jessie's MP3 dujour today. Oh yeah.

What is eerie about his backdrops is the repetitive slogans that you see over and over again. It almost appears to be a subliminal attempt to persuade voters to believe his rhetoric.

The result will be a cut in 13 percent of funding for the UNFPA’s international family planning programs – which would have enabled the UNFPA to prevent two million unwanted pregnancies, 4,700 maternal deaths, nearly 60,000 cases of maternal illnesses and over 77,000 cases of infant and child death.

Just in case you had any questions....

New television show to definitely watch! Ok, I know it looks terribly hokey, but it has two big pluses for me in my book: 1) strong women characters (which I absolutely love in any show), and 2) Shemar Moore (which I absolutely lust after in any show). What I can't tell from this page is when it actually starts.

Ah, yes, a very good Gay dilemma. When I first came out many a year ago I found it so wild that everyone wanted to hug and kiss me in the Gay community. It really freaked me out at first. Straight people never hug and kiss hello or goodbye, except for older women. But then, I eventually got used to it. But still, it felt weird to kiss everyone and I only really wanted to do it with guys I liked.

Nowadays, honestly, I feel rather uncomfortable again. I mean, I'm not opposed to being affectionate, but sometimes it feels really out of hand with people I barely know. I don't mind hugging at all, but kissing on the lips feels rather too personal. There've been many a time when I've moved to kiss on the cheek when I know they're coming straight for my lips. I feel like they may feel like I'm being uncaring or rude, which is inappropriate because I feel they're being too personal to kiss me on my lips. It's a no-win situation, other than to try and pretend that everything's ok. Miss Manners gives a response here to this dilemma, but it is rather unsatisfactory. What are you thoughts?

According to this, Billy Idol is responsible for the rise of Radiohead. Chris was simply stunned.

A very interesting article about a Nevada bordello in the middle of the desert.

Even Bollywood couldn't have scripted this New York farce.
Now I am afraid to be here, that if I go shopping and start laughing or talking too loudly in my language, someone will think I am up to something.

And now a little something from our tourism board.....

New e-x-t-r-e-m-e website out there with a petition to get Bush to drop Ashcroft. Yeah, that'll happen. But good that the word is still out on how extreme and insane he is. Good to fight the power!

It's the weekend!!!!!

It has come to our attention that in the past you have made unpatriotic statements. You have also participated in certain activities which are deemed detrimental to the preservation of our Republic.

Very good news! And unanimous. Wonderful!

Good.

It's been a long time since I've really wanted to see a movie as quickly as possible. In fact I usually avoid opening days/weekends because I usually hear through word-of-mouth how bad some Hollywood crapfest really is after the trailers have all beaten us to death. But I really, really want to see Eight Legged Freaks and may even go tonight on opening day. Call me a freak.

That is one of my favorite poems by my favorite poet.

"Doc," the man said, "they tell me you can fix women when they get old and crabby."

His complaint? "She's driving me nuts. She won't fix meals. . . . She picks on me all the time."

Then came the clincher.

The husband reached into his pocket and laid a gun on the doctor's table: "If you don't cure her, I'll kill her."

Ok, are you ready for this? Check this out:

Since March, I have lost 17 pounds. 17! Wow. I can't believe it.

I owe this success to the following:

1) A new and healthier diet.
2) Working out regularly and consistently.
3) Finishing when I'm full, not when the plate is empty.
4) And finally, a very unhealthy and continued bout with major depression killing all appetite.

Yes, yes, it's all good. (Or rather, it's mixed.) But still I look better. Yay me!

I know, I know.

I'm sorry, everyone. I've had a terrible week. Lots of physical and mental problems plagued by insomnia and head-spinning. Kinda hard to explain. Anyway, I'm feeling a little better, but mostly cuz it's the end of the workweek (of which I missed most of it anyway) and now I'm off to see my oldest friend, Corby, in Tucson, Arizona, where it's hotter than hell. I'll be back Monday and probably even more thin due to the loss of sweat and body water. But I'm hoping visiting him with renew my energy levels. I'll talk with you all again soon when I get back.
Love,
Reese

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