Sunday, March 31, 2002

How many minutes does it take to get bored looking at gay boys in the Castro?

The state of affairs:

I went out tonight. "Why" should be a very good question. I stand, I stare, I look away, I wish, I wonder, I worry, I waste time, I walk around, and I walk out. Boring and very sad. It's all so superficial and judgemental and unfortunately I don't meet the requirements. And this nagging question keeps running through my mind: How would I talk to anyone in here? I mean, TALK. How does one get to know anyone in this environment, unless it is based on superficiality. Yes, I see some hot guys and I want them, but that's just superficial. What I really want is to meet someone with a mind too.

So then I do. I actually do. And he came up to me. I had given up and left the bars, but then decided to stop by one last one near my home. I was in there for a little while and he came over and started talking to me. He's actually intelligent. Then the lights came on and we parted. He has my card. We'll see.

P.S. While at that last bar I ran into him: the guy who stood me up last summer and never contacted me again. I had actually completely forgotten about him, and then I saw him and knew he looked familiar. It took me a few minutes to get it all to come back, but then it did. We said hello and chatted a bit. He remembered my name unbelievably and seemed very nice. I didn't even know how to be mean to him; I just small-talked. He touched me and rubbed my back and acted like we were good friends. I, for some reason unknown, did the same. At the end of the evening, outside the bar, I ran into him again. We chatted again. I asked "So why didn't we ever hook up? You kinda disappeared." He responded that he didn't know and there must have been some kind of "time-conflict" or something like that. Whatever. It's hard to be mad at anyone, especially when he's looking at me directly and being nice. And it had been a long time. But still I can't help but feel the hurt from last summer again tonight. Wasted emotions.

Saturday, March 30, 2002

Now, here's a brainstumper: Guess what blogger took out his bike again after nearly 6 months and went riding on a beautiful day today?

Yep, that's right. It was me! Yes, after nearly 6 months since my dreaded accident I finally got the nerve and patience to get back up on my bike. It is such a beautiful, gorgeous day today that it was hard not to do it. And, on top of that, I got to play racquetball for the first time in a long time, with my friend Johnny who wanted to try it out. What a nice day.

What a terrible waste of money and time. What a horrible witch-hunt. What a sad state of affairs. ...the "vast right-wing conspiracy" is not an overheated metaphor but a straightforward reality, and that it works a lot like a special-interest lobby

Friday, March 29, 2002

I love the media. They're so wacky. On the same day that they're reporting that TV causes violence in children, they're heralding Milton Berle for bringing television into everyone's homes. So, therefore, should we blame him for violence in children? Maybe I shouldn't follow-through on those connections....

On another note about Milton Berle, the following falls into the "too much information" category:
Berle's legend includes one other rather significant feature: He was said to be extremely well endowed, and we're not talking about his financial portfolio. He claimed to take innumerable locker room bets, winning every one. When asked to reveal the true dimensions of his prize possession, he played coy: "I'll never tell," he'd say. "I just take out enough to win."

Is that a gun in your pocket?

Thursday, March 28, 2002

Maybe if men got pregnant, the secret wouldn't be so secret. -- BackUpYourBirthControl.Com

So, in light of my post from earlier today, I went to the gym tonight looking to get more involved. I decided to go ahead and post a note asking for racquetball partners and then I attended my first ever yoga class. That was very relaxing and comforting. Then while I was in the locker room this guy and I started small talk as we were using next door lockers. I ended up asking him if he played racquetball and he does and we're gonna play on Wednesday. Check it out! I may actually have someone to play the sport with now. Very cool. I should probably try to be more social, but it's so hard usually. But then again, sometimes it actually works out.

Hallelujah (however, it won't be til 2008, but still)

So it's the beginning of Spring and I wanna get involved in something new that involves people and things to do. I keep thinking of doing some kinda gay sports thing, except that I don't really like any of the sports I can think of. I hate football, basketball, and baseball. So I think maybe volleyball, but the guys who play that are always so mean to newbies who are there just to have fun. If you can't play like a pro, get off the field, as they are wont to enforce. So I think I want to play racquetball, which I do love, but I don't know anyone who goes to my gym so I'd have to try to meet people through a racquetball posting of sorts at the gym. And that could turn out terribly. Plus I wanna do something outside, it's Spring, remember? Doesn't playing a sport in the park sound fun? If only it could be something less serious and just for fun. And gay, definitely gay. Suggestions?

Should an open democracy blind itself to these facts? ....the RPI won't do anything to stop discrimination or disparities - - it would just keep us from being able to learn about these things and take steps to address them.

Don't sign the petitions!

[L]ots of real worries expressed by real scientists get short shrift these days

Patriotism, apple-pie, 1942 magazine covers, and bizarre headlines like these: "Gay! Her Cardboard Lover" and "Be the Woman Behind the Man Behind the Gun"

Speaking of televisions, this articles ponders whether the Nielsen ratings system is discounting Spanish-speaking households?

I made the mistake of watching prime time television last night. Oh yes, I have some prime time shows I normally watch-- but they've been time-tested and I never flip to something unknown anymore. But last night was a night in and I thought, well, let's see what other shows are like. It was terrible. I've learned my lesson. I'll sum up my comments in one proverb: "laugh-tracks overused signals writing underused."

Wednesday, March 27, 2002

In "borking" Robert Bork, the Senate did the nation a great service....Republicans claim to believe that judges should be appointed based on ability, not ideology, yet the push to get "more judges who think like we do" has become a GOP obsession. They claim to oppose judges who are "activist," but the list of cultural and legal changes that the GOP hopes to achieve by taking over the judiciary is as long as Hatch's nose.

This is a post for the lonely. Can you hear me tonight? (for Victor)

Straight Democratic talk about whethere Gore should run again. Interesting.

Well, they greatly edited my letter to the editor, but they did publish it. (scroll down)

Sometimes it takes a boycott to end injustice

Humans say, "This is all part of some larger unknowable plan." Cats dash madly around the house and urinate in inappropriate places. I ask you candidly: Which is the better solution? Which produces greater serenity?

Tuesday, March 26, 2002

There's a double standard that if you are poor and it's related to drugs, you have no rights. In Florida, Gov. (Jeb) Bush's daughter has a drug problem and you don't seen anyone trying to revoke his mortgage exemption.

We tried to call you, but the phone was busy and then when we finally got through we left a message-- we swear. It was with some guy with a funny voice, I think his name was Chuck or Charles or Don. Don't you have a receptionist with a name like that? Maybe it was a woman, Chrissy? You never got the message? We tried calling over and over. We swear.

Monday, March 25, 2002

Everytime I think life is all just a day to day tedium, a sudden sense of direction portends. I'm nervous.

Saturday, March 23, 2002

Ahh, the discussions of what kind of "holiday" September 11th will become have begun.

Friday, March 22, 2002

With Bush so invested in oil drilling, coal burning, and gaz guzzling, it will take a chunk of ice much bigger than the size of Rhode Island to fall off Antarctica.

So I just got a call from one of the local weeklies and they've decided to run my letter next week. Good.

Japan and Berkeley, a love affair?

How long are they going to capture on these cameras every face of every person who is there? How long do they hold this material? Who will have access to it?

Today is Planned Parenthood's Action Day. Take part and send a message to Congress in only 2 clicks!

Did you know that the "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" are Democrats?

Thursday, March 21, 2002

Continued congestion or a baby?

While Bush continually pursues a more and more secretive administration, he continues to want everything known about you.

Not to take away from the emotions, the verdict, or anything related to the actual case, but I'm just curious: How does one define (and/or become) "a successful member of the city's gay community"?

Picking and choosing and editing tolerance

Nixon remarks that Northern California has become so "faggy" that "I don't want to shake hands with anybody from San Francisco"

Wow

The anti-Darwinists have rejected a pillar of the scientific method: that hypotheses be testable.

African Americans [are] 3.6 times as likely as whites to have their lower limbs amputated as a result of diabetes.

Can this be true? Can the morning after pill actually be gaining in political acceptance? (I have no doubt the crazy right-wing Republicans are doing something to stop it, regardless of this article's quiet mention of them)

Wednesday, March 20, 2002

If you could pick just one Supreme Court justice to spontaneously haul off the bench—say, in the middle of oral argument—and drag into a nearby bathroom, where they'd be forced to hike up their robe and pee into a Dixie cup, whom would you choose? Take your time. We have all night.

This looks like a rather feeble attempt by the neoconservatives, some of whom are ensconced at the American Enterprise Institute, to start up a blacklist. Bennett disagreed. "It's not a blacklist, it is a wrong-list." Scary and sad.

Well, her openly gay candidate for Lieutenant Governor is probably on the outs now too.

Ah, the weekly Food Section. Seems so unimportant and irrelevant to a newspaper, but so it is. It feels very midwestern to me.... when the extra, free editions come to every household every week with Food info and coupons. Anyway, this week's edition had two items of actual interest:

1) Possible tax on soda to counter obesity.
2) Believe it or not, an actual taste test for frozen fish sticks. Jessie should be very interested.

I cannot tell you what a relief it is having a new assistant. There is so much work I can now take off my plate and give to her. This makes my life so much happier now!

So my new assistant started today. Hooray! Finally, after four months without, I have someone who can help get our work done.

So, I'm walking her around introducing her to coworkers today and I can't remember anyone's names-- and I have no idea what they do. So my introductions were always incredibly weak and I would try my best to fake knowing names and duties. So lame.

The visibility and sheer scale of what is happening in Antarctica should provide a wake-up call to policymakers worldwide.

The cat lady is back.

...federal law mandates that abstinence-only programs include this stunning (and totally unproven) declaration: "Sexual activity outside of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects"

Tuesday, March 19, 2002

My friend who's getting married, as stated in post before, has been with his girlfriend since early college days. I'm always curious about people who find love at such an early part of their life. How does it keep on? How does it not fail? Aren't there roadblocks, impediments, jealousies, and what-not getting in the way?

And then there's gay people: I rarely see young gay people who've been together for such and such time. Obviously it has a lot to do with the whole coming out, getting through your own life crisis issues. But still. Are gay men doomed to doom and gloom in love?

My mother married my father at 17. 17! How does someone get married and not have heartache and love problems when they began at 17?

And why am I 31 and still asking these questions?

I just got done setting up a flight for a trip to Savannah, GA in late May. I'm going to my very good friend's wedding over Memorial Day weekend. I'm happy because I got a better price than I thought on the flight. I'm sad because I HATE flying and it will be a long, across-the-country flight-- B O R I N G. I can't help it-- I get nervous on planes. And I seem to be getting more nervous the older I get. I try and try to be calm but I just end up spending the whole, entire trip worrying. Why can't there be some kind of bullet train across the country or something? I HATE FLYING.

I'm tired and cranky today. Jessie's probably glad he's busy with other things today and won't have time for dinner with me tonight. Hmmm, maybe that's why I'm tired and cranky.

She conveniently overlooked the fact that gay activists spearheaded every gain for the gay community in the past three decades. They created the world where O'Donnell could have her multimillion-dollar coming-out party.

She paid a price for her willingness to confront publicly big governments like the United States and Russia when they violate human rights.

Monday, March 18, 2002

In the '80s and '90s, we were trying not to drop dead.

It turns out there is no great mystery about how to control the world's population. The problem is that the solution -- granting women access to education and contraception -- is still not a universally accepted idea.

Congress must do more to restore its check on an increasingly imperious presidency.

Sadly, she's decided against it. ;-(

Sunday, March 17, 2002

"The Fighting Whities"

The all of tea.

Oh my gosh, I can't believe you called! Look -- can you guys get blood out of carpet? I got blood all over the place, man. Oh God! I mean, I got it on the drapes, I got it on the couch, I got it all over . . .Can you come over now?

TOO TOO WEIRD! I was there (although apparently not of interest to David's camera)... and I remember David. The world is indeed very small.

McDonald's pays $10mil for vegetarian scam. (scroll down)

I wish these guys would just get real here. Everybody knows they're talking about God. And they are..... don't believe the HYPE!

Don't believe the HYPE that Bill Simon is somehow a moderate Republican: Republican businessman Bill Simon hired a key figure from the Traditional Values Coalition...to "undo four years of liberalism, homosexuality and anti- family values in California at the hands of Governor Gray Davis."

If he hires people like that to work on his campaign . . . what's going to happen when he's governor? Who would he appoint to key positions and who would he appoint as judges?

What's going on here?

Saturday, March 16, 2002

Let Him Stay.com.

I just wrote a letter to the editor of a local paper here in SF in response to this column:

Responding to your "In This Issue" column of last week, I am deeply disturbed by your call for more and earlier negative attacks in the Assembly campaign. Regardless of who and what campaign, negative attacks are a terrible problem within politics and need to be curtailed. Your paper has even advocated just that, especially in your support of the recent Proposition A for runoff voting. And yet, you specifically state that it would have been better if the Britt campaign had "attacked Leno a lot earlier in the race."

Never before would I have believed that a newspaper would actually call for earlier and more negative campaigning, especially one that holds itself out as a "progressive" paper involved in getting more progressive people out to vote. Negative attack ads have done nothing throughout the years but to limit voter participation, to the detrement of our electoral process and our democracy.

In general, I applaud your paper for having such a strong interest in politics and for encouraging people to vote. However, I urge you to rise above such petty negative activities, broaden the electorate through positive campaigning, and do your best not to stoop to such low standards. Only then will more people come back to the voter rolls. I encourage you not to add to the negative tone of elections and, instead, have the strength and foresight to do better.

It's up! Jean Carnahan.com. Oh I wish I could vote for her.

Friday, March 15, 2002

The "Waving Man" is Dead.

I have a phobia about computers. I am always afraid to try new stuff with them because I just figure I won't be able to make it work. So I rarely try to do new things. Specifically I mean, I never try to listen to music or audio on computers because I have had too much difficulty in the past in getting it to work.

So, today, I'm sitting here at my work computer and see the mention on David's site about the Ashcroft singing video. I know, I know, I posted about that before, but I had actually never listened to it-- due to my computer phobia. I had only read about it. So today, I got the gumption to try and listen, and it worked! I actually heard and saw him singing. And now, I'm hooked. I can't stop watching him or humming the tune in my head. It's all so funny and amazingly stupid. Someone please help me.

Had a wonderful talk with David last night on the phone. (If only he were in the Bay Area....) Anyway, we have known for some time that we went to the same college at the same time-- Rutgers U. in New Jersey. I was a grad student at the time and was only there for a one-year stint. He was, at the time, was beginning his four-year stint. We had realized over time that we were both hanging around the gay student group. But last night, we came up with conclusive proof that we were actually at the very same event. There was a coffee house night (poetry reading, singing, speeches) put on by the gay student group and we both recalled that we were there. Now this was a small room-- probably around 50 people, so we had to have seen and noticed each other. How bizarre to think that years later we would know each other through other means, and yet somewhere in time we knew each other as well. And get this: David took photos of said event! So as he goes back through his archives of negatives to scout out a possible picture of me, I look forward to him sending me a picture of himself at that time to click a possible connection in my mind. How small is the world.

Tipper's considering a run for the Senate, ala Hillary. Woohoo!

Thursday, March 14, 2002

I have had so many problems with Blogger today. I've been trying and trying to post all day. It's been soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo slow and difficult. Aiya!

A great read on a great public servant: Senator Ted Kennedy. We have much to thank him for.

They're back, again. You'd think breaking federal law, ignoring Congress, and an answer-to-no-one attitude would have put an end to their careers years ago, but not when it comes to the Republicans and the Bush Administration.

Consider the absurdity: We risk escalating a worldwide nuclear arms race to nuke a shadow terrorist enemy whose most effective military action to date was begun with box cutters... What madness to even entertain the thought that nuclear weapons are anything other than the means to the world's destruction. What we need instead is a U.S.-led worldwide campaign to shun nuclear weapons as inherently genocidal, to effectively end proliferation of nuclear weapons technology and material and to treat those nations that dally in the business of nuclear arms as barbarians in need of restraint.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002

Today is the one year anniversay of the death of my predecessor. They've put up flowers and signs and they miss her. In a way I wish I knew her; but mostly it feels very distant from my mind and I can't relate to it. I can only imagine what things must have been like at this time last year, especially in light of the incredible nature of the sudden and bizarre death. It's also morbid to think that I would not have this job is she had not died.

Ronald and Sarah Jane Mayfield Fulks Wyman Futterman and Anne Frances Robbins Nancy Davis Reagan George and Martha Dandridge Custis Washington National Airport

David, I used to to have horrible thoughts like that all of the time. I remember specifically one time while living in Washington, DC when I constantly feared a fire would occur in my large apartment building. So I would spend all night, every night, worrying and preparing for the alarm to suddenly go off. I got little sleep. A few years later I went for help and realized I had OCD. After a few years on the ol' Prozac with much relaxation, calming thoughts, and therapy, I'm happy to say I rarely have those crazy thoughts anymore. It's nice to feel calm.

How incredibly dumb.

"The 'War on Terrorism' for Dummies"

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

Can you believe people still debate this stuff? This country can be so stupid.

More articles of displeasure about the possible closing of a much-loved (and much-Jessied) museum in San Francisco. Now, there's even a petition on a local radio show.

For you Missouri folks.... she's running!

Monday, March 11, 2002

Only by getting more and more Americans to realize that they themselves—not just noncitizens—can be affected by these amputations of the Bill of Rights will there be a critical mass of resistance to what Ashcroft and Bush are doing to our liberties.

Nagging questions from 9/11.

They seem hell-bent on pulling every last fossil fuel left in the country out of the ground.

History has shown, time and again, that people in public life claiming to protect the public good by secrets are protecting themselves.

Sunday, March 10, 2002

These are the people who dragged Lewinsky into the spotlight and kept her there. (She never chose to make the affair public.) These are the people who smeared her relentlessly for three years. Now, they are offended she's standing up to wipe off the mud.

Jessie convinced me to go with him today while he did a photo shoot. To adequately explain the insanity of the day check out those links, and my horoscope for today:

"One of those "Have I got a deal for you" friends flashes a beguiling travel plan. It won't take much to persuade you. But make the trip and you'll wind up with more than you bargained for. We're talking pushing the envelope here."

I'll leave the rest of the insanity to your imaginations.

While in the NW last weekend, I had the option of simply flying back home from Seattle, instead of traveling back to Vancouver to catch my return flight home. But I really wanted to take the 4-hour train ride along the coast and watch the scenery. It was a beautiful trip; I loved every minute of the quiet, awesome nature outside my window. I didn't want the train trip to end. I love trains.

Saturday, March 09, 2002

Chris, they're closing all of your Fresno K-Marts. Where will you and Jessie go next time you're looking for a new dress?

I kid you not. Today's word on my "word-a-day" calendar is: butt joint.

Unfortunately, this editorial apathy is a reflection of a misguided American perception that the past is largely irrelevant to the future.

Talking refrigerators. It's way past time.

Friday, March 08, 2002

You're not the only one, Jessie.

One thing I learned while in Canada: they really do say "eh?" at the end of all their sentences. I thought that was only a comedy routine, eh?

The Republicans seem to think that they have some partisan claim to September 11th and plan to capitalize on the American tragedy politically. Jerks!

So, in case you guys missed it, the election was on Tuesday. Now, you know I would have been all over it on here, except for the fact that I was out of town. So in catching up with the week that was, I'd like to happily point out that my guy, Mark Leno, won his election to the Assembly! Woohoo! (They are still counting absentee votes because it was an incredibly close election-- thank you Jessie for taking the time, you made the difference-- but everyone is pretty assured that he is far enough ahead to pull it out.)

What does this mean? Well, for starters, it means that the California State Assembly will now have its first openly gay man. With the addition of John Laird of Santa Cruz, there will actually be two of them. Currently, there are three open lesbians in the Assembly and one in the Senate-- a record, and incredibly amazing. Now, come next year, there will be continue to be one lesbian in the Senate, two lesbians in the Assembly, and two gay men in the Assembly. Check that out! (Aaron, are you ready for this?)

Obviously this doesn't necessarily translate to all daisies and happiness for gay people, since there will continue to be discrimination and evil out there, i.e. when one of the other Assembly members recently said to one of the current lesbian Assemblywomen, "Nothing personal, Jackie Goldberg, but you're the spawn of the devil." But this does mean that they have to deal with us. It means that we are there, open, proud, defiant, and working on issues that are important to our community. They can't just party around in Sacramento, call us names, defame us, use us as a political weapon-- as they've done time and time again-- without having our presence in the mix. It's not perfection, but it's a grand start. And it's a cause for celebration!

More good Ashcroft stuff. I told you long ago he was a weirdo. You will be stunned and deeply frightened or you are already heavily medicated and far, far too Republican for your own good.

Hey, guess what guys? I'm back!

Thursday, March 07, 2002

back at work sucks. i found so many things behind and left undone today by others. i was so annoyed by that this morning. at noon, i ran to the gym and decided, uncharacterically, to swim. and boy did i swim. i swam angry. i lunged at the water, driving my arms in with a mad passion that broke the water and propelled me forward. i never swim; it usually bores me. but today, it was heart-racing and just what i needed to cool off. i feel better now.

I'm back in my office today and there is sooooo much work to do. When is the weekend? Oh yeah, in two days. Good.

Wednesday, March 06, 2002

I'm back in San Francisco. Believe it or not, I actually had a nice time while gone. I know that may be hard to believe, but still.... Thanks for all your thoughts. I'll write more tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 05, 2002

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry for scaring and worring so many of you. I am okay... well, mostly. But, and let me state this very clearly, I am not suicidal and I will get through this.

I thank so many of you for writing, and calling, and being close to me. (I will respond to each of you soon) It really does make a difference to know that you care.

I have been traveling alone for the last week and been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of thinking, and feeling, and sorting. I don't know the answers. I don't even know the questions. I just know that I am not happy. I have a deep sense of sadness inside and I do not know what it is exactly about.

It felt very cathartic for me in writing what I wrote last night. It was not an easy thing to write, but it was necessary for my own state of mind. I needed to write down what I was feeling.

Again, I am sorry if I scared any of you. I will be back home tomorrow night and will pull myself and everything back together. I will talk with you again shortly.

i will be ok. thanks everyone.

Monday, March 04, 2002

i hate myself. i am sorry to myself and to everyone, but i do. i have tried and tried to pretend i am ok. but i am not. i hate my life, i hate my failed potential, i hate my body, i hate my face, i hate my useless mind, and i especially hate my desire. i think that i have a lot of good inside, but i hate the fact that i cannot seem to make it work. i do not know who i am. i try and figure it out and i try and think about it. but i do not know. i don't like anything anymore. i don't like life anymore. it seems useless and pointless and stupid. nothing makes me feel really good inside anymore. i hate myself. i am sorry.

Friday, March 01, 2002

Notes from Vancouver....

I know I'd write next week, but I have easy access to the computer here. For those of you who don't know, I'm in Vancouver, Canada right now for an International TB Conference. And guess what? It's located in a hotel in the middle of the gay ghetto! Check it out, no long cab rides for me. Why is it that whenever one leaves home the immediate desire is to go out and find the gay people so that we can once again be in the same gay world as before? And why is it that when one is away from home, there is a strong desire to find lewd and tawdry action? Ah, well, such is life I guess. Plus regularly cleaned hotel rooms help the scenario I gather.

Regardless, I'm here til Sunday and then I'm train-ing (why isn't that a word anyway?) down to Seattle to visit my great gay friend Roger so that I can experience another sameol'gay scene. Then I'll be back in SF for my regular gay life by Wednesday. Since I have access to computers, I'll keep you updated.